Ratzinger and Sons

In the spirit of Christmas, the data collection team here at American Difter (my right hand) has been researching all things Catholic. We've turned out some extensive findings on Pope Benedict XVI.

Some people claim him to be the anti-Christ

Longshot...

Others call him just an "ok" Pope. 

Closer...

After careful review, background checks, source verifications, difters, etc., there's only one reasonable conclusion:

Pope Benedict XVI is the Original Hipster.

I've had my suspicions in the past concerning the Pope's hipster status, but a few things have recently come to light that confirms the claim without a doubt:



Exhibit A: Tweetin' like his shit don't stink

That's right, Benedict is now on the popular social networking site. According to the Guardian, the event of the Pope's first tweet was quite ceremonious:

. . . the pope, dressed in white, sat on an ornamental throne at the front of the Audience Hall. A large crowd, gathered specially to witness the event, stood in expectant silence. . .

And with his first tweet ever, it was clear that the Pope did not want to disappoint: 

Dear friends, I am pleased to get in touch with you through Twitter. Thank you for your generous response. I bless all of you from my heart.

A couple things here. First off, who starts a Twitter account six years after the site's launch and acts like he's fresher than a new pair of Nikes?

Second, instead of tweeting a picture of the Eucharist he was about to eat (or a mirror shot wearing his Easter robes), he decides to bless us all. So ironic Mumford and Sons could write a shitty song about it. 

Ohh Beny Beny, you look so holy with your Pope hat on yeahhh...

Exhibit B: Throwbacks Latin Style

A little over a month ago, sources indicated that Pope Benedict was attempting to resurrect the dead language by creating a new pontifical academy for Latin studies.

Si vis pacem, para bellum... uhh... enchilada...

I'm sorry but what's more counter-culture than dead languages? If I were in Benedict's shoes I would've gone for something like Urdu or North Korean, but no, the guy goes all the way, ab antiquo, doesn't give a fuck. So retro.



Exhibit C: Giving the LGBT the big NO

Benedict came out recently decrying the increasing support for same-sex marriage in western countries. 

Hey everyone, Jesus loves you! Also, stop being gay!

Being pro same-sex marriage is a progressive idea, so it should naturally be associated with hipsterdom. Herein lies the beauty of Benedict's stance. Everyone knows that to be a hipster is to be pro same-sex marriage. But as a hipster, being vehemently against it is ironic, making it even more hipster than before. 

Brilliant. 

Someone needs to make this guy shift manager at Urban Outfitters.



Exhibit D: Zig Heils just for kicks

I know this is old news, but if we're talking hipster qualifications, then I've got to mention Benedict's stint as an "unwilling" member of the Hitler Youth back in Nazi Germany.

They better have PBR at the rally...

First off, that hat could only have been bought after painstaking hours of thrift store shopping.

Second, who's an unwilling member of the Hitler Youth? 

I mean come on, just come out and say it: your friends wanted you to join, and you were kind of like "well I was gonna chow down this sauerkraut .... but yeah I guess I could throw up some Heil Hitlers later."

If that's not hipster steeze then I'm the king of Brotopia. 

Yoko Ono - nýleg íslensk tilfinning?

You all remember Yoko Ono, John Lennon's lady credited for breaking up the Beatles? Well, a new video of her just surfaced on YouTube doing a breath-taking rendition of Katy Perry's "firework."

In case you're not familiar with Perry's genius, here's the original "firework" music video:

And now Yoko Ono's version of "firework" performed in front of a crowd of about 20:

I have only two explanations for this video. One is that Ono, realizing her waning stardom, is making one last grab for attention in this heartfelt rendition.

The only other possibility is that this is her open audition tape for Björk's forthcoming album "dog shit economy."

"All you need is... niður með kapitalisma!!!"

Please comment if you just googled "dog shit economy."

Have a nice dift.

Saturdift Morning Lightning Round

1). Christina Wilke of the Huffington Post reports that Obama's second inauguration funding committee will permit unfettered corporate donations for the event in January 2013:

In 2008, Obama's inaugural team limited individual contributions to $50,000 per person and barred all corporate contributions. This year, they will impose no limits on either individual or corporate contributions. Contrary to earlier reports that federal law caps inaugural contributions at $250,000, there are no such federal limits, said another PIC spokeswoman.

Wilke adds that the inauguration "will offer no corporate sponsorship opportunities or logo placements in exchange for these donations."

This hand was brought you by Lubriderm® Daily Moisture

I find this last part hard to believe. It's true that President Obama could potentially exchange these corporate donations for future political favors during his second term, but I would not be surprised if you heard the following for his second swear-in:

I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully Google the Office Depot of President of the United State Farm Insurance, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Citigroup of the United States, so help me Goldman Sachs.

2). The Telegraph.uk recently broke a story on contact lenses currently under development in Belgium that will project text messages in front of users' eyes.

The "I didn't see your text" excuse is about to get pile-drived

Three Questions:

1. How will this impact current laws on texting while driving?
2. Can we trust Belgians to put things in our eyes?
3. Will these lenses support current sexting technology?

3). A new trailer has been released for Oscar-winning director Katheryn Bigelow's Zero Dark Thirty. The film, which tells the story of Osama Bin-Laden's assassination, is already being lambasted by critics as a political tool for the Obama administration, and many are in an uproar over the alleged classified documents that Bigelow and her team had access to in the making of the film.

"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" was already taken

Now I could rant on and on about the pervasive media-based glorification of political leaders and the military industrial complex, but here at American Difter I'm committed to asking the tough questions that the mainstream media avoids:


Who is going to play Osama Bin Laden?


...


My money's on one of the following:


a. Willem Dafoe

... a bit too crazy

b. Keanu Reeves

... eh too Messianic 

c. Zach Galifianakis

I think we have a winner

Have a nice Saturdift.

World War Tweet

Al Jazeera reported on November 24th that the evangelical group Christians United for Israel (CUFI) has started an online petition to ban the twitter account of Al Qassam Brigades, Hamas’ military wing. CUFI claims, “when it comes to Israel’s military campaign, there is little that we here in America can do to help. But when it comes to this second conflict – the so-called “twitter war” – there is something important we can do.”

#TerroristSafeHaven

Tears of American patriotism welled in my eyes as I read this righteous declaration.

It’s well known that Hamas is a US-declared terrorist organization, and any website that permits publications of terrorist organizations must act swiftly to prevent the onslaught of propaganda. 

@AlQassamBrigades already has roughly 43,000 followers on Twitter. 43,000. That number should be shocking even to the most under-read on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. 

Yet it's important to understand certain realities. Let’s say that Twitter does decide to eliminate Al Qassam from its website. If this comes to pass, we will only replicate the effects of the War on Terror.

Consider Afghanistan. The Taliban were known to be harboring Al Qaeda within their borders, and in turn, the US invaded Afghanistan to expel Al Qaeda operatives. Victory seemed imminent, and supporters of the War on Terror were ready to hang up their coats, make their beds, and take a long-overdue freedom nap. Yet as Al-Qaeda cells sprang up in Yemen, Somalia, and other locations, our freedom fighters realized that the mission was far from accomplished.

Thus, I pose a question to the CUFI which so earnestly but misguidedly wishes to eradicate Hamas’ Twitter: What is to stop @AlQassamBrigade from wreaking havoc through other social media sites?

The CUFI is sincere in its pursuit of terrorist operatives on the web, so let's forgive its naïveté regarding the Twitter War. History shows us that when one terrorist target is forcefully eliminated, more operatives rise up to take its place. 

Think about it: a direct attack on @AlQassamBrigade would unquestionably spark the emergence of any of the following:

• AlQassam.tumblr.com

• http://www.couchsurfing.org/profile.html?id=99PalestinianRefugees 

• myspace.com/Al_Qassam_Slow_Jams_From_1967/Music

The list goes on.

If we allow this censorship to happen, then history will repeat itself.

But I have a solution.

There is only one way we can successfully diminish Hamas' terrorizing rhetoric from the public debate and simultaneously give them a medium to voice whatever complaints, musings, and random thoughts they seem so eager to propagate:

We must create a Hamas Xanga journal.

If we take on this challenge, perhaps one of the most would-be defining endeavors of the decade, Hamas will immediately feel less oppressed by Western propa media, while leaving the Twitter-verse unharmed by its anti-Israeli lies. Because realistically, no one uses Xanga journal anymore.

Don't tweet away this opportunity for peace.

#HamasXangaJournal