Ratzinger and Sons

In the spirit of Christmas, the data collection team here at American Difter (my right hand) has been researching all things Catholic. We've turned out some extensive findings on Pope Benedict XVI.

Some people claim him to be the anti-Christ

Longshot...

Others call him just an "ok" Pope. 

Closer...

After careful review, background checks, source verifications, difters, etc., there's only one reasonable conclusion:

Pope Benedict XVI is the Original Hipster.

I've had my suspicions in the past concerning the Pope's hipster status, but a few things have recently come to light that confirms the claim without a doubt:



Exhibit A: Tweetin' like his shit don't stink

That's right, Benedict is now on the popular social networking site. According to the Guardian, the event of the Pope's first tweet was quite ceremonious:

. . . the pope, dressed in white, sat on an ornamental throne at the front of the Audience Hall. A large crowd, gathered specially to witness the event, stood in expectant silence. . .

And with his first tweet ever, it was clear that the Pope did not want to disappoint: 

Dear friends, I am pleased to get in touch with you through Twitter. Thank you for your generous response. I bless all of you from my heart.

A couple things here. First off, who starts a Twitter account six years after the site's launch and acts like he's fresher than a new pair of Nikes?

Second, instead of tweeting a picture of the Eucharist he was about to eat (or a mirror shot wearing his Easter robes), he decides to bless us all. So ironic Mumford and Sons could write a shitty song about it. 

Ohh Beny Beny, you look so holy with your Pope hat on yeahhh...

Exhibit B: Throwbacks Latin Style

A little over a month ago, sources indicated that Pope Benedict was attempting to resurrect the dead language by creating a new pontifical academy for Latin studies.

Si vis pacem, para bellum... uhh... enchilada...

I'm sorry but what's more counter-culture than dead languages? If I were in Benedict's shoes I would've gone for something like Urdu or North Korean, but no, the guy goes all the way, ab antiquo, doesn't give a fuck. So retro.



Exhibit C: Giving the LGBT the big NO

Benedict came out recently decrying the increasing support for same-sex marriage in western countries. 

Hey everyone, Jesus loves you! Also, stop being gay!

Being pro same-sex marriage is a progressive idea, so it should naturally be associated with hipsterdom. Herein lies the beauty of Benedict's stance. Everyone knows that to be a hipster is to be pro same-sex marriage. But as a hipster, being vehemently against it is ironic, making it even more hipster than before. 

Brilliant. 

Someone needs to make this guy shift manager at Urban Outfitters.



Exhibit D: Zig Heils just for kicks

I know this is old news, but if we're talking hipster qualifications, then I've got to mention Benedict's stint as an "unwilling" member of the Hitler Youth back in Nazi Germany.

They better have PBR at the rally...

First off, that hat could only have been bought after painstaking hours of thrift store shopping.

Second, who's an unwilling member of the Hitler Youth? 

I mean come on, just come out and say it: your friends wanted you to join, and you were kind of like "well I was gonna chow down this sauerkraut .... but yeah I guess I could throw up some Heil Hitlers later."

If that's not hipster steeze then I'm the king of Brotopia.