The Iran Contra Dance Scandal

A joint plan of action was the latest development to emerge from the Iran v. World (US/Israel/Christmas Islands) saga. The document details new stipulations for the Iranian nuclear enrichment program (text here) and explains the incremental decrease of international sanctions on Iran's economy.

The highlights of the deal include that Iran taper its nuclear enrichment while allowing international inspectors to monitor progress-- daily. In return, the US will promise to probably not bomb Iran and give them access to $7 Billion in frozen overseas assets.

Let the shit storm begin.

First off, $7 billion in assets sounds substantial, right? In fact, it's only about 1% of Iran's GDP. In other words, say Iran imposed crippling economic sanctions against the US and then decided to allow us access to our assets in agriculture, forestry, hunting and fishing combined, 

ECONOMIC MOBILITY FOR ALL!

Raw numbers aside, the political backlash has been fierce. Tom Cohen of CNN wrote an article on Monday titled "5 reasons diverse critics oppose Iran nuclear deal."

Cohen makes a legitimate case for the opposition group's diversity, including Israel, Democrats with strong ties to Israel, and Republicans combatting any Obama-led peace efforts for political clout/strong ties to Israel.

Diverse like a Christian rock album.

But most circles opposed to the deal cite serious trust-issues with Iran. It's important that we heed their advice, and it's even more important that we ignore the fact that current Iranian president Hassan Rouhani helped lead the charge for an even better deal in 2003 when he was Secretary of Iran's Supreme National Security Council.

Offered in 2003 to "open up [Iran's] nuclear program for transparency, collaborate with the U.S. in Iraq, restrain Hamas and Islamic jihad and even indirectly recognize Israel."

BUT CAN HE BE TRUSTED?

We at American Difter urge readers to remain skeptical when it comes to trusting this Islamic nation's suspicious legal-uranium-enrichment-for-energy-purposes-even-after-repeatedly-stating-that-they-had-no-intention-to-construct-a-nuclear-weapon-because-it-violates-tenants-of-Islam-and-even-if-they-did-get-the-bomb-its-purpose-would-likely-be-to-deter-the-US-and/or-Israel-from-preemptively-attacking-their-country-which-hasn't-openly-attacked-another-country-in-over-300-years strategy. 

Have a nice Tuesdift. 

(Check off your reaction below-- for past articles too)

Stop and Fresca

The Huffington Post recently second-handedly reported that the NYPD's "Stop-and-Frisk" strategy, initiated to ebb crime in New York City, only produces an arrest half of the time an individual is stopped and frisked.

Critics of the procedure claim that Stop-and-Frisk unfairly targets minorities, with recent numbers indicating that 87 percent of people stopped and frisked belong to minority groups. Yet lame-duck Mayor Michael Bloomberg cites a "30 percent decrease in crime" during his first three terms in office (the team at AD assumes Mayor Bloomberg will find a way to petition the city council and oust Mayor-elect Bill de Blasio before he take office on January 1st).

"My fourth-term slogan...? DOWN FOR A PAT-DOWN!"

One can't deny that stop-and-frisk has been effective in slowing down crime and even getting illegal weapons off the streets. Yet we cannot ignore that the use of this tactic perpetuates racial profiling. 

We at American Difter believe there is a solution:

Stop-and-Audit.

Instead of completely halting the NYPD's targeting of minority groups to prevent violent crime, we propose that New York City directly employ thousands of IRS agents to randomly stop and audit bankers in New York's Financial District to curb rampant tax evasion.

"If you are white and wearing a suit, PLEASE take out your ID and a recent W2 form, "

It is well known that most tax evaders are white. Heck, even our former Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is a tax-evader. With Stop-and-Audit in place, New York City's government would not only be sending a message of fairness to all races, it would likely collect millions of dollars in lost tax revenue.

Join American Difter in calling for equal-opportunity racial-profiling in New York City.

Google Glass Kiboshes Ass

The interwebs are atwitter with Google's bombshell of a move to ban porn from their already metaphorically masturbatory facial-computer, Google Glass. The story broke as developer company MiKandi became the first to create a pornography application for Glass, brilliantly titled Tits & Glass. Immediately following this development, Google pulled an "oh shit we had no IDEA people were going to try to use this for porn," and updated its developer policy:

1. Sexually Explicit Material: We don't allow Glassware content that contains nudity, graphic sex acts, or sexually explicit material. Google has a zero-tolerance policy against child pornography. If we become aware of content with child pornography, we will report it to the appropriate authorities and delete the Google Accounts of those involved with the distribution.

Gotta love Google, veiling themselves with the cloak of morality: We're banning porn . . .  And we DEFINITELY don't want kiddie porn. In fact, if anyone tries to upload kiddie porn we will royally F*CK you because kiddie porn is REPUGNANT . . . have you forgotten about that first clause yet?

Besides the obviously Orwellian move to outright ban certain content from personal tech, the issue here is that Google clearly does not understand its target market.

Bro, can't WAIT for the Feministing.com app! 

That aside, readers should take note that Google's purist view on content is nothing new in the tech world. Recall in 2010 Steve Jobs dropped the "freedom from porn" line in an e-mail exchange with Gawker's Ryan Tate. The point is that as long as tech titans offer cutting-edge peripherals that make consumers feel good about themselves, no one is really going to give a shit what content gets banned.

The reality is that this story offers a nice distraction from the growing concern over Glass' face and voice recognition capabilities. In a clip from the IDG News Service's coverage of the Google IO convention, O'Reilly Media's VP of Content, Mike Hendrickson, encapsulates the debate perfectly:

" . . . so the creepy part is you could stalk people, the cool part is you can also remember names, which, if you're bad at remembering names, Glass could be a really good mnemonic for helping you do that,"

Remembering names.

Imagine you're at a bar and you recognize someone from across the room. Instead of being a complete creeper, walking up to them and saying, "hey I'm sorry, what's your name again?" you can just talk into the totally normal-looking wire frame on your face, focus in on the person, and BOOM, social awkwardness avoided!

Make out session brought to you by the Remember that Biddy app

But people, the team at American Difter would like to reassure you that Google is already taking measures to prevent these kinds of invasive, privacy-crushing capabilities. Let's revisit the platform developer policy concerning face/voice recognition apps:

1. Don't use the camera or microphone to cross-reference and immediately present personal information identifying anyone other than the user, including use cases such as facial recognition and voice print. Applications that do this will not be approved at this time.

Nothing says digital integrity like ". . . will not be approved at this time." 

Have a nice dift.

HP AK's

Today's top story from the Internet's #1 recycling bin concerns the recent development of a functioning 3D-printed firearm.

Really bro? You need earplugs for an inkjet glock?

While the story is a bit rattling, this is just the icing on the cake for the Huffington Post, whose coverage of at-home gun violence has noticeably peaked in the wake of recently failed gun-control legislation.

The article raises some initial questions: will Americans have access to semi-automatic-printed-out rifles? Can 3D ink produce high-ammunition magazines? Will there be background checks for 3D printers? Will ignorant southern states continue to benefit from egregious "3D Printer Show" loopholes?

These questions are fair, but they only look at one side of the issue.

The article, focused on riling up fear over gun technology, completely eschews other legitimate concerns spawned by 3D printing technology:

1. Can 3D printers be used to manufacture birth control pills?

2. Can they print drywall for Israeli settlements in the West Bank?

3. Can they be used to make Man & Man miniatures on gay marriage wedding cakes?

It's continual half-coverage of these issues that the mainstream media perpetuates. Keep your eyes open; the team at American Difter urges you to demand more out of 3D printer technology coverage.

al-Awlaki Strikes Again

I'd like to offer my deepest love for the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing. It's jarring when terror strikes home. And especially in the aftermath of such an abhorrent attack, it's important to realize how lucky we are not to be terrorized like this on a daily basis, like we see in so many places around the world. 

Love to all victims.

That being said, let's slice into the shit.

Pentagon spokesnetwork CNN is re-indicting American-born radical cleric Anwar al-Awlaki for inspiring everything from the most recent Boston attacks to Guy Fawkes' attempted bombing of the British House of Lords in 1605. 

Western Decadence DEMANDS that you pull my finger

The revealing article presents new evidence from US officials, detailing the Tsarnaev brothers' process of radicalization. The article drops this bombshell of a quote pinning the connection between the Tsarnaev brothers and the assassinated cleric:

"the preachings of Anwar al-Awlaki were likely to have been among the videos they watched."

Holy SHIT. 

Folks, let's put aside the fact the al-Awlaki's assassination marked the first time in our history that an executive order gave the green light for killing an American citizen overseas without due process, and let's also put aside the fact that two weeks later the we killed his 16 year old son in the same fashion (omitted from the CNN article but no big deal it's not relevant), the reality is that CNN is continuing to justify the Obama administration's out of control drone campaign doing what a news outlet should be doing: exposing truth, making connections, and reminding us that sometimes you just need to take a guy out.

The team at American Difter proposes we find al-Awlaki's body, re-animate him, and drone strike him again while blasting Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA."

The first time obviously didn't get the message across.

Gay Fridift

The Huffington Post reported on Monday that singer-songwriter Michelle Shocked recently went off on a homophobic rant to her San Fraciscan audience during a concert. The original article from SFist reported her saying: "I live in fear," she said, "that the world will be destroyed if gays are allowed to marry."

Someone just lost their Lilith Fair privileges

Listen, what Shocked said was abhorrent, but I mean, you gotta give her credit. I mean shit, SAN FRANCISCO? You might as well have Adam Lambert performing "for your entertainment" at the annual NRA board meeting.

Thinking back on when he was relevant

I think we can say with relative certainty that Shocked's Provincetown performance has been postponed.

Here's what actually bothered me about this article: the writer leads us through Shocked's backstory, all about how she's a "former" lesbian turned evangelical, obviously to make the reader (presumably liberal, pro-LGBT) disgusted with her words and simultaneously self-congratulating for being one of the "enlightened" who can label hate when they see it. Then, at the bottom of the page, this deftly placed slideshow:

This is what blows my mind. Here we have an article that functions as a reinforcement to opposing homophobia, and an INCH below it we have a slide show perpetuating our fascination with famous people being gay. Am I missing something here?

This HPost writer should put out an article denouncing growing worldwide Islamaphobia with links to the next Homeland episode just to complete the cycle of eating his own shit. Unreal.

Barry goes to Tel Aviv

As President Obama headed to Israel yesterday, Pentagon Spokesnetwork CNN detailed the president's priorities.

"IRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANIRANmaybe-some-half-assed-peace-talk-bullshit-during-lunch-break"

And then I was like, "controlling water supplies and electricity doesn't count as occupation"

Start your engines, folks.

CNN offers up their poll of American public opinion on Israel. Its findings: "Most Americans say Israel is a friend"

Last time I checked, "most" was a quantifier signifying 51% or more, but hey, my semantics professor was probably high that day.

As you see above, 33% of Americans said that Israel was "friendly, but not an ally."

In other words brah, yeah Israel is like the US's lab partner in chem class and all... but like... it'd be mad weird if they invited Israel to Bryce's blacklight party tonight you know?

Fun factoid: 49% of those polled responded that the US should support Israel if it decides to attack Iran in order to "prevent it from developping nuclear weapons."

And we're off!

The question "do you actually think Iran is trying to develop nuclear weapons" shockingly doesn't make an appearance in this poll. It's also interesting that less Americans consider Israel an ally than Americans who'd be totally down for bombing Persians. It's only a 3% margin, but still, what a comic tragedy that there are people who say to themselves "well, I'm on the fence about Israel, but if they start making it rain on Ahmadinejad I AM SO FUCKING IN!"

Follow American Difter if you think Barry and Bibi watch "Argo" at slumber parties. Extra points if you can name the little spoon.


Update: CNN reported today on the President's talks with Palestinian President, Mahmoud Abbas. Obama said encouraging things like "The Palestinian people deserve an end to occupation and the daily indignities that come with it," and he said other encouraging things, too. The team at American Difter believes that with every new encouraging thing Obama says, peace will find a way.

The CNN article concludes with a silver lining:

In what Netanyahu called a key development, the leaders announced new talks on extending U.S. military assistance to Israel for another 10 years past the current agreement that expires in 2017.

Please join American Difter in supporting a settlement to the Israel-Palestine conflict in 2027.

Horse of a Difter Color

CNN reports that France is now probing labeled 'beef' products that may contain horse meat.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't MAKE IT INTO LASAGNA 

Kudos to France for hopping on the beef-testing bullet train 2 WEEKS AFTER REST OF EUROPE catches whiff of the equine scuttlebutt.

Here's the real question: does France care?

Honestly, when I first heard about this story and noticed that France wasn't on the list of European countries taking the charge in meat testing I was like HELL YEAH KEEP DOING YOU FRANÇOIS!

I mean this is what the French are great for. If you walked up to some random frenchie chomping down on a steak and said "hey by the way you're eating horse" you know what they'd say?

Et alors?

France needs to get its shit together and start being the country of Je m'en fiche again. Sartre would be so disappointed.

HORSE MEAT LIKE ERRDAY AND LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT!

Ratzinger and Sons FAREWELL TOUR

UPDATE:

As readers know, American Difter wrote earlier this year on Pope Benedict XVI's Original Hipster status.

http://americandifter.blogspot.fr/2012/12/ratzinger-and-sons.html

Recent news has broke that Benny will indeed now be stepping down from his holy post due to "advanced age."

Can someone tell me where I put that Eucharist?

To all you nonbelievers out there, what more proof do you need? The first Pope to step down in 600 years? COME ON! This guy is so ahead of the curve that the designers at American Apparel won't even have a Papal V-Neck designed until Easter.

Iranians in SPACE

Pentagon spokesnetwork CNN recently broke the terrifying report of a successful Iranian rocket launch into space. The lone passenger victim: a monkey.

This is perhaps the most disturbing story American Difter has discussed all year. We know that Iran presents an existential threat to Israel and by extension the United States, but never have we seen such audacity in the name of violent anti-western jihad.



Iranian Hostage Crisis Revisited?

Jihad is of course the Arabic word for "death to Big Mac."

(update: sources have reported that Iranians in fact speak a terrorist code language called "Farsi," the team at AD finds this even more suspect)

This aggression will not stand. Firstly, we cannot as a free nation tolerate such blatant acts of war. Furthermore, we must not passively bear witness to such atrocities committed towards animals.

The US, Israel, and the EU have so far stood alone in the fight towards unfettered Iranian armament, but perhaps this precursor to war has a silver lining.

In the constant search for the allies of freedom, PETA has emerged as a new buttress to counter the Iranian threat.

In an official statement, PETA announced that it was:

appalled by photos of a visibly terrified monkey crudely strapped into a restraint device in which he was allegedly launched into space by the Iranian Space Agency

The activist group further added: "Iran wants the bomb. Iran needs the bomb. We must bomb Iran before they bomb us back."


Popular Enemies of Tehran All-the-time-YOLO

This is a triumphant blow to delusional peace-loving pinko leftist commentators who claim that Iranian nuclear enrichment is nonviolent. SUCK ON THAT JUAN COLE!



Terrorist Apologist

Thank God for CNN, boldly connecting the dots in the name of journalism. Here is a quote from U.S. State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland featured in the CNN article:

...our concerns with Iran's development of space launch vehicle technologies are obviously well-known: Any space launch vehicle capable of placing an object in orbit is directly relevant to the development of long-range ballistic missiles.

Right on Vicky, let's call a spade a spade. If Iran can send a monkey into space, what's to stop them from freighting a troop of silverback gorillas to Tel Aviv or FedExing a colony of howler monkeys to Manhattan?

The answer is American vigilance.

We must never waver in the face of terror, and we must never succumb to the psychological fear so vehemently perpetuated by the media Iran. Where is Ben Affleck when you need him?

Intrepid crusader against preconceptions of peaceful Persians

Please join American Difter, PETA, and Ben Affleck in the fight against Iranian primatological aggression.

Saturdift Morning Lightning Round III

1.) CNN recently reported that terrorist attacks in Algeria may have been orchestrated by Al Qaeda in Mali. 

One senior U.S. official said 'elements of AQIM' may have carried out the offensive in tandem with fighters loyal to Moktar Belmoktar, a veteran militant based in northern Mali who has claimed responsibility for the assault.

Dude I swear I'm facebook friends with Bin Laden

"Elements of AQIM."

Honestly this is ridiculous. Every time we hear about another terrorist attack it's "ohhh must be Al Qaeda. They're the terrorists who know how to tweet right?" 

Does Al Qaeda even exist? 

I mean seriously, it's the same idea with the Anonymous hackers. How many times do you hear on the news "Anonymous claims responsibility for computer system hack" or "yet another internet infiltration by Anonymous." 

Even if you find the comparison outlandish, the two groups don't seem very different in how they try to stay relevant. Hacktivist groups like Anonymous or terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda just seem like fear-fueling opportunists. Take the recent case in Algeria: a terrorist group attacks a natural gas plant, takes hostages, and Al Qaeda says "Alger-what....? I mean... yeah we did that... Allah ho akbar." 

Pure poppycock. We need to stop talking like these guys get together every year at the Four Seasons for a conference with cold cuts and free pens to talk about up and coming terrorist real estate. Let's at least understand that as long as we think that way, "Al Qaeda" is never going to "be defeated."


2.) Microsoft's recent Internet Explorer "child of the 90's"commercial attempted to strum the heartstrings of 20-somethings, invoking images of bowl cuts, pogs, and light-up shoes.

I'll be honest, the only thing this commercial said to me was "hey look at all the shit you made your parents buy for you... hey wait a minute, not much has changed, asshole!"

So thanks, Internet Explorer, for confirming that I'm still a materialist.

And by the way, does anyone think this video will actually help Internet Explorer's popularity? If anything I feel like they erred big time here. You'll see the "e" logo at the end and think "oh yeah, I used that shitty browser when I had Napster" and then open a new Chrome window. Swing and a miss.


3.) The Huffington Post, reporting on stuff that people already reported on, broke the story of Gregory Matthew Bruni, who allegedly broke into a Florida home naked, pooped, and masturbated before being arrested.

Bruni in pre-poop contemplation

The only thing I found odd about this story was that the NRA hasn't capitalized on it yet:

The Lands say Bruni ran into the house, pulled a big-screen TV off the wall, and spilled the contents of a vacuum onto the floor. Around this time, LaDonna grabbed a gun and began firing at the nude intruder.

Hell yeah LaDonna! Now get to the phone and hit up Wayne LaPierre for some serious endorsement money. If the NRA wants to make their case against gun control, this is the story they want.

WE HAVE A RIGHT TO DEFEND OURSELVES FROM POOPY AND ICKY TOUCH-TOUCH!

Furthermore, I'm almost positive that Bruni is actually the guy from scrubs:

Have a nice Saturdift.

Miss Independent Goes to Washington

Hundreds of thousands of Americans gathered at the Washington Mall Monday afternoon for a declaration of renewed effort, for a continuation of hope and change, for the promise of a better future. That event, as so many progressives and conservatives alike will forever remember, was Kelly Clarkson's comeback at the 57th presidential inauguration.

Bill loves a good comeback

Clarkson speedily rose to stardom when she became the first white woman to win American Idol. Though what happened next is a poignant tale.

Clarkson's early single "Miss Independent" seemed to break traditional pop party lines, eschewing partisan rhetoric in hopes of reforming an already polarized musical genre. Her energy invigorated the youth of the nation, her charm captivated the elderly, and her image as a pop-music outsider had the whole world watching with anticipation.

But the music faded; during her first term as a pop icon, the mainstream media observed that Clarkson was compromising her unique sound for a more adult-contemporary pop over a cutting-edge bieberesque. Recent singles such as "Stronger" indicate that Clarkson is still trying to hold on to her once commendable idealism, but her message has been lost in the crowd.

Here at American Difter, the search for truth never ceases, and our research contests that Clarkson acquiesced to neither camp, but instead embodied servitude to the major record labels.

Don't expect changes in Camry emission standards anytime soon

But as we saw yesterday at the inauguration, Clarkson appears reinvigorated for a second term in pop's most powerful position. As she belted out "My Country, 'Tis of Thee," viewers across the nation were hoping to see a preview of recharged loyalty to the progressive ideas she championed in the past.

We here at AD predict that these hopes will fall flat. So many times we've seen American Idols fall back into mundanity. Rubben Studdard, Carrie Underwood, Adam Lambert, and even Clay Aiken couldn't escape the realities of actually becoming American Idol finalists, no matter what promises were made in their respective campaigns.

Physical changes are symptomatic of the pressure the office holds

The Editors at American Difter propose a solution, albeit not a silver bullet, to how we elect our American Idols. We must adopt a "one vote per caller" policy. Without such a policy in place, special interests, far more capable of outweighing the individual voter, will flood the phonelines ensuring that their candidate will emerge victorious, with the occasional exception:

Ralph Nader of the Idol World

Special interests, at minimum, should be wholly barred from political activity, for their ubiquitious presence in the American Idol election process only guaruntees that their needs will be met.

The Devil uses product (and yes that's a real website).

The team at American Difter urges your support for serious American Idol election reform. Without it, our nation will be forever trapped in a corporate loophole, headed towards the status quo: recycled pop garbage.

Saturdift Morning Lightning Round II

1.) French film icon Gérard Depardieu has been all over the news recently as he attempts to flee to Russia in order to avoid France's upcoming tax hike of 75% on the country's wealthiest citizens.

I'm sorry but this dude's gonna fit right in

The Guardian further reports that Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov is ready to welcome Depardieu to Chechnya if he so desires.

At first I thought this was a pretty cowardly move on Depardieu's part, but after reading up on Russia's 13% tax rate and Chechnya's booming real estate market, things started to make more sense.

"All units come with an in-ground pool of tears"

Bon voyage, Géry!

2.) Yesterday, the Huffington post, doing what it does best (reporting on what other sources report), reported that Chuck Hagel is indeed going to soon be nominated by President Obama as the next Secretary of Defense.

Courtesy of North Platte, Nebraska 

For those not informed on the Hagel controversy, the most important thing you should know about Senator Chuck is that he has in the past offered some pragmatic perspectives on the defense budget, Israel, and potential talks with Iran and is poised to HE'S A GODDAMNED ANTI-SEMITE AND HOMOPHOBE!!! FOR SHAME HAGEL!!! FOR SHAAAAAME!!!

3.) RedOrbit.com recently reported that Swedish sea explorers have discovered an unidentified object at the bottom of the Baltic Sea. The article observes that the unidentified object closely resembles the Millenium Falcon from Star Wars. 

Furthermore, a member of the expedition team, Peter Lindberg, claims that "the Americans and Japanese 'are much more excited' about the discovery than the local Swedish people."

Advanced imaging technology demonstrates that analysts are sexually repressed

Firstly, of course Americans and Japanese are more excited about this finding. Just how Star Wars offended viewers with the ethnically suggestive Jar Jar Binks and Watto, Swedish people still have not gotten over their presumed portrayal in the original trilogy:

Note: If you want to verify, follow this link to a video of actual Swedish. 

Secondly, DID NO ONE SEE TRANSFORMERS 2??? Clearly the Swedes are trying to conjure up Megatron so they can finally get their hands on Julian Assange.

YOU'RE MINE, ASSANGE!

Oy mate, let's not bay too agressive theyah!

Have a nice Saturdift.