Iranians in SPACE

Pentagon spokesnetwork CNN recently broke the terrifying report of a successful Iranian rocket launch into space. The lone passenger victim: a monkey.

This is perhaps the most disturbing story American Difter has discussed all year. We know that Iran presents an existential threat to Israel and by extension the United States, but never have we seen such audacity in the name of violent anti-western jihad.



Iranian Hostage Crisis Revisited?

Jihad is of course the Arabic word for "death to Big Mac."

(update: sources have reported that Iranians in fact speak a terrorist code language called "Farsi," the team at AD finds this even more suspect)

This aggression will not stand. Firstly, we cannot as a free nation tolerate such blatant acts of war. Furthermore, we must not passively bear witness to such atrocities committed towards animals.

The US, Israel, and the EU have so far stood alone in the fight towards unfettered Iranian armament, but perhaps this precursor to war has a silver lining.

In the constant search for the allies of freedom, PETA has emerged as a new buttress to counter the Iranian threat.

In an official statement, PETA announced that it was:

appalled by photos of a visibly terrified monkey crudely strapped into a restraint device in which he was allegedly launched into space by the Iranian Space Agency

The activist group further added: "Iran wants the bomb. Iran needs the bomb. We must bomb Iran before they bomb us back."


Popular Enemies of Tehran All-the-time-YOLO

This is a triumphant blow to delusional peace-loving pinko leftist commentators who claim that Iranian nuclear enrichment is nonviolent. SUCK ON THAT JUAN COLE!



Terrorist Apologist

Thank God for CNN, boldly connecting the dots in the name of journalism. Here is a quote from U.S. State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland featured in the CNN article:

...our concerns with Iran's development of space launch vehicle technologies are obviously well-known: Any space launch vehicle capable of placing an object in orbit is directly relevant to the development of long-range ballistic missiles.

Right on Vicky, let's call a spade a spade. If Iran can send a monkey into space, what's to stop them from freighting a troop of silverback gorillas to Tel Aviv or FedExing a colony of howler monkeys to Manhattan?

The answer is American vigilance.

We must never waver in the face of terror, and we must never succumb to the psychological fear so vehemently perpetuated by the media Iran. Where is Ben Affleck when you need him?

Intrepid crusader against preconceptions of peaceful Persians

Please join American Difter, PETA, and Ben Affleck in the fight against Iranian primatological aggression.

Saturdift Morning Lightning Round III

1.) CNN recently reported that terrorist attacks in Algeria may have been orchestrated by Al Qaeda in Mali. 

One senior U.S. official said 'elements of AQIM' may have carried out the offensive in tandem with fighters loyal to Moktar Belmoktar, a veteran militant based in northern Mali who has claimed responsibility for the assault.

Dude I swear I'm facebook friends with Bin Laden

"Elements of AQIM."

Honestly this is ridiculous. Every time we hear about another terrorist attack it's "ohhh must be Al Qaeda. They're the terrorists who know how to tweet right?" 

Does Al Qaeda even exist? 

I mean seriously, it's the same idea with the Anonymous hackers. How many times do you hear on the news "Anonymous claims responsibility for computer system hack" or "yet another internet infiltration by Anonymous." 

Even if you find the comparison outlandish, the two groups don't seem very different in how they try to stay relevant. Hacktivist groups like Anonymous or terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda just seem like fear-fueling opportunists. Take the recent case in Algeria: a terrorist group attacks a natural gas plant, takes hostages, and Al Qaeda says "Alger-what....? I mean... yeah we did that... Allah ho akbar." 

Pure poppycock. We need to stop talking like these guys get together every year at the Four Seasons for a conference with cold cuts and free pens to talk about up and coming terrorist real estate. Let's at least understand that as long as we think that way, "Al Qaeda" is never going to "be defeated."


2.) Microsoft's recent Internet Explorer "child of the 90's"commercial attempted to strum the heartstrings of 20-somethings, invoking images of bowl cuts, pogs, and light-up shoes.

I'll be honest, the only thing this commercial said to me was "hey look at all the shit you made your parents buy for you... hey wait a minute, not much has changed, asshole!"

So thanks, Internet Explorer, for confirming that I'm still a materialist.

And by the way, does anyone think this video will actually help Internet Explorer's popularity? If anything I feel like they erred big time here. You'll see the "e" logo at the end and think "oh yeah, I used that shitty browser when I had Napster" and then open a new Chrome window. Swing and a miss.


3.) The Huffington Post, reporting on stuff that people already reported on, broke the story of Gregory Matthew Bruni, who allegedly broke into a Florida home naked, pooped, and masturbated before being arrested.

Bruni in pre-poop contemplation

The only thing I found odd about this story was that the NRA hasn't capitalized on it yet:

The Lands say Bruni ran into the house, pulled a big-screen TV off the wall, and spilled the contents of a vacuum onto the floor. Around this time, LaDonna grabbed a gun and began firing at the nude intruder.

Hell yeah LaDonna! Now get to the phone and hit up Wayne LaPierre for some serious endorsement money. If the NRA wants to make their case against gun control, this is the story they want.

WE HAVE A RIGHT TO DEFEND OURSELVES FROM POOPY AND ICKY TOUCH-TOUCH!

Furthermore, I'm almost positive that Bruni is actually the guy from scrubs:

Have a nice Saturdift.

Miss Independent Goes to Washington

Hundreds of thousands of Americans gathered at the Washington Mall Monday afternoon for a declaration of renewed effort, for a continuation of hope and change, for the promise of a better future. That event, as so many progressives and conservatives alike will forever remember, was Kelly Clarkson's comeback at the 57th presidential inauguration.

Bill loves a good comeback

Clarkson speedily rose to stardom when she became the first white woman to win American Idol. Though what happened next is a poignant tale.

Clarkson's early single "Miss Independent" seemed to break traditional pop party lines, eschewing partisan rhetoric in hopes of reforming an already polarized musical genre. Her energy invigorated the youth of the nation, her charm captivated the elderly, and her image as a pop-music outsider had the whole world watching with anticipation.

But the music faded; during her first term as a pop icon, the mainstream media observed that Clarkson was compromising her unique sound for a more adult-contemporary pop over a cutting-edge bieberesque. Recent singles such as "Stronger" indicate that Clarkson is still trying to hold on to her once commendable idealism, but her message has been lost in the crowd.

Here at American Difter, the search for truth never ceases, and our research contests that Clarkson acquiesced to neither camp, but instead embodied servitude to the major record labels.

Don't expect changes in Camry emission standards anytime soon

But as we saw yesterday at the inauguration, Clarkson appears reinvigorated for a second term in pop's most powerful position. As she belted out "My Country, 'Tis of Thee," viewers across the nation were hoping to see a preview of recharged loyalty to the progressive ideas she championed in the past.

We here at AD predict that these hopes will fall flat. So many times we've seen American Idols fall back into mundanity. Rubben Studdard, Carrie Underwood, Adam Lambert, and even Clay Aiken couldn't escape the realities of actually becoming American Idol finalists, no matter what promises were made in their respective campaigns.

Physical changes are symptomatic of the pressure the office holds

The Editors at American Difter propose a solution, albeit not a silver bullet, to how we elect our American Idols. We must adopt a "one vote per caller" policy. Without such a policy in place, special interests, far more capable of outweighing the individual voter, will flood the phonelines ensuring that their candidate will emerge victorious, with the occasional exception:

Ralph Nader of the Idol World

Special interests, at minimum, should be wholly barred from political activity, for their ubiquitious presence in the American Idol election process only guaruntees that their needs will be met.

The Devil uses product (and yes that's a real website).

The team at American Difter urges your support for serious American Idol election reform. Without it, our nation will be forever trapped in a corporate loophole, headed towards the status quo: recycled pop garbage.

Saturdift Morning Lightning Round II

1.) French film icon Gérard Depardieu has been all over the news recently as he attempts to flee to Russia in order to avoid France's upcoming tax hike of 75% on the country's wealthiest citizens.

I'm sorry but this dude's gonna fit right in

The Guardian further reports that Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov is ready to welcome Depardieu to Chechnya if he so desires.

At first I thought this was a pretty cowardly move on Depardieu's part, but after reading up on Russia's 13% tax rate and Chechnya's booming real estate market, things started to make more sense.

"All units come with an in-ground pool of tears"

Bon voyage, Géry!

2.) Yesterday, the Huffington post, doing what it does best (reporting on what other sources report), reported that Chuck Hagel is indeed going to soon be nominated by President Obama as the next Secretary of Defense.

Courtesy of North Platte, Nebraska 

For those not informed on the Hagel controversy, the most important thing you should know about Senator Chuck is that he has in the past offered some pragmatic perspectives on the defense budget, Israel, and potential talks with Iran and is poised to HE'S A GODDAMNED ANTI-SEMITE AND HOMOPHOBE!!! FOR SHAME HAGEL!!! FOR SHAAAAAME!!!

3.) RedOrbit.com recently reported that Swedish sea explorers have discovered an unidentified object at the bottom of the Baltic Sea. The article observes that the unidentified object closely resembles the Millenium Falcon from Star Wars. 

Furthermore, a member of the expedition team, Peter Lindberg, claims that "the Americans and Japanese 'are much more excited' about the discovery than the local Swedish people."

Advanced imaging technology demonstrates that analysts are sexually repressed

Firstly, of course Americans and Japanese are more excited about this finding. Just how Star Wars offended viewers with the ethnically suggestive Jar Jar Binks and Watto, Swedish people still have not gotten over their presumed portrayal in the original trilogy:

Note: If you want to verify, follow this link to a video of actual Swedish. 

Secondly, DID NO ONE SEE TRANSFORMERS 2??? Clearly the Swedes are trying to conjure up Megatron so they can finally get their hands on Julian Assange.

YOU'RE MINE, ASSANGE!

Oy mate, let's not bay too agressive theyah!

Have a nice Saturdift.