American Difter: Saturdift Morning Lightning Round II

1.) French film icon Gérard Depardieu has been all over the news recently as he attempts to flee to Russia in order to avoid France's upcoming tax hike of 75% on the country's wealthiest citizens.

I'm sorry but this dude's gonna fit right in

The Guardian further reports that Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov is ready to welcome Depardieu to Chechnya if he so desires.

At first I thought this was a pretty cowardly move on Depardieu's part, but after reading up on Russia's 13% tax rate and Chechnya's booming real estate market, things started to make more sense.

"All units come with an in-ground pool of tears"

Bon voyage, Géry!

2.) Yesterday, the Huffington post, doing what it does best (reporting on what other sources report), reported that Chuck Hagel is indeed going to soon be nominated by President Obama as the next Secretary of Defense.

Courtesy of North Platte, Nebraska

For those not informed on the Hagel controversy, the most important thing you should know about Senator Chuck is that ~~he has in the past offered some pragmatic perspectives on the defense budget, Israel, and potential talks with Iran and is poised to~~ HE'S A GODDAMNED ANTI-SEMITE AND HOMOPHOBE!!! FOR SHAME HAGEL!!! FOR SHAAAAAME!!!

3.) RedOrbit.com recently reported that Swedish sea explorers have discovered an unidentified object at the bottom of the Baltic Sea. The article observes that the unidentified object closely resembles the Millenium Falcon from Star Wars.

Furthermore, a member of the expedition team, Peter Lindberg, claims that "the Americans and Japanese 'are much more excited' about the discovery than the local Swedish people."

Advanced imaging technology demonstrates that analysts are sexually repressed

Firstly, of course Americans and Japanese are more excited about this finding. Just how Star Wars offended viewers with the ethnically suggestive Jar Jar Binks and Watto, Swedish people still have not gotten over their presumed portrayal in the original trilogy:

Note: If you want to verify, follow this link to a video of actual Swedish.

Secondly, DID NO ONE SEE TRANSFORMERS 2??? Clearly the Swedes are trying to conjure up Megatron so they can finally get their hands on Julian Assange.