Horse of a Difter Color

CNN reports that France is now probing labeled 'beef' products that may contain horse meat.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't MAKE IT INTO LASAGNA 

Kudos to France for hopping on the beef-testing bullet train 2 WEEKS AFTER REST OF EUROPE catches whiff of the equine scuttlebutt.

Here's the real question: does France care?

Honestly, when I first heard about this story and noticed that France wasn't on the list of European countries taking the charge in meat testing I was like HELL YEAH KEEP DOING YOU FRANÇOIS!

I mean this is what the French are great for. If you walked up to some random frenchie chomping down on a steak and said "hey by the way you're eating horse" you know what they'd say?

Et alors?

France needs to get its shit together and start being the country of Je m'en fiche again. Sartre would be so disappointed.

HORSE MEAT LIKE ERRDAY AND LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT!

Ratzinger and Sons FAREWELL TOUR

UPDATE:

As readers know, American Difter wrote earlier this year on Pope Benedict XVI's Original Hipster status.

http://americandifter.blogspot.fr/2012/12/ratzinger-and-sons.html

Recent news has broke that Benny will indeed now be stepping down from his holy post due to "advanced age."

Can someone tell me where I put that Eucharist?

To all you nonbelievers out there, what more proof do you need? The first Pope to step down in 600 years? COME ON! This guy is so ahead of the curve that the designers at American Apparel won't even have a Papal V-Neck designed until Easter.

Iranians in SPACE

Pentagon spokesnetwork CNN recently broke the terrifying report of a successful Iranian rocket launch into space. The lone passenger victim: a monkey.

This is perhaps the most disturbing story American Difter has discussed all year. We know that Iran presents an existential threat to Israel and by extension the United States, but never have we seen such audacity in the name of violent anti-western jihad.



Iranian Hostage Crisis Revisited?

Jihad is of course the Arabic word for "death to Big Mac."

(update: sources have reported that Iranians in fact speak a terrorist code language called "Farsi," the team at AD finds this even more suspect)

This aggression will not stand. Firstly, we cannot as a free nation tolerate such blatant acts of war. Furthermore, we must not passively bear witness to such atrocities committed towards animals.

The US, Israel, and the EU have so far stood alone in the fight towards unfettered Iranian armament, but perhaps this precursor to war has a silver lining.

In the constant search for the allies of freedom, PETA has emerged as a new buttress to counter the Iranian threat.

In an official statement, PETA announced that it was:

appalled by photos of a visibly terrified monkey crudely strapped into a restraint device in which he was allegedly launched into space by the Iranian Space Agency

The activist group further added: "Iran wants the bomb. Iran needs the bomb. We must bomb Iran before they bomb us back."


Popular Enemies of Tehran All-the-time-YOLO

This is a triumphant blow to delusional peace-loving pinko leftist commentators who claim that Iranian nuclear enrichment is nonviolent. SUCK ON THAT JUAN COLE!



Terrorist Apologist

Thank God for CNN, boldly connecting the dots in the name of journalism. Here is a quote from U.S. State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland featured in the CNN article:

...our concerns with Iran's development of space launch vehicle technologies are obviously well-known: Any space launch vehicle capable of placing an object in orbit is directly relevant to the development of long-range ballistic missiles.

Right on Vicky, let's call a spade a spade. If Iran can send a monkey into space, what's to stop them from freighting a troop of silverback gorillas to Tel Aviv or FedExing a colony of howler monkeys to Manhattan?

The answer is American vigilance.

We must never waver in the face of terror, and we must never succumb to the psychological fear so vehemently perpetuated by the media Iran. Where is Ben Affleck when you need him?

Intrepid crusader against preconceptions of peaceful Persians

Please join American Difter, PETA, and Ben Affleck in the fight against Iranian primatological aggression.

Saturdift Morning Lightning Round III

1.) CNN recently reported that terrorist attacks in Algeria may have been orchestrated by Al Qaeda in Mali. 

One senior U.S. official said 'elements of AQIM' may have carried out the offensive in tandem with fighters loyal to Moktar Belmoktar, a veteran militant based in northern Mali who has claimed responsibility for the assault.

Dude I swear I'm facebook friends with Bin Laden

"Elements of AQIM."

Honestly this is ridiculous. Every time we hear about another terrorist attack it's "ohhh must be Al Qaeda. They're the terrorists who know how to tweet right?" 

Does Al Qaeda even exist? 

I mean seriously, it's the same idea with the Anonymous hackers. How many times do you hear on the news "Anonymous claims responsibility for computer system hack" or "yet another internet infiltration by Anonymous." 

Even if you find the comparison outlandish, the two groups don't seem very different in how they try to stay relevant. Hacktivist groups like Anonymous or terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda just seem like fear-fueling opportunists. Take the recent case in Algeria: a terrorist group attacks a natural gas plant, takes hostages, and Al Qaeda says "Alger-what....? I mean... yeah we did that... Allah ho akbar." 

Pure poppycock. We need to stop talking like these guys get together every year at the Four Seasons for a conference with cold cuts and free pens to talk about up and coming terrorist real estate. Let's at least understand that as long as we think that way, "Al Qaeda" is never going to "be defeated."


2.) Microsoft's recent Internet Explorer "child of the 90's"commercial attempted to strum the heartstrings of 20-somethings, invoking images of bowl cuts, pogs, and light-up shoes.

I'll be honest, the only thing this commercial said to me was "hey look at all the shit you made your parents buy for you... hey wait a minute, not much has changed, asshole!"

So thanks, Internet Explorer, for confirming that I'm still a materialist.

And by the way, does anyone think this video will actually help Internet Explorer's popularity? If anything I feel like they erred big time here. You'll see the "e" logo at the end and think "oh yeah, I used that shitty browser when I had Napster" and then open a new Chrome window. Swing and a miss.


3.) The Huffington Post, reporting on stuff that people already reported on, broke the story of Gregory Matthew Bruni, who allegedly broke into a Florida home naked, pooped, and masturbated before being arrested.

Bruni in pre-poop contemplation

The only thing I found odd about this story was that the NRA hasn't capitalized on it yet:

The Lands say Bruni ran into the house, pulled a big-screen TV off the wall, and spilled the contents of a vacuum onto the floor. Around this time, LaDonna grabbed a gun and began firing at the nude intruder.

Hell yeah LaDonna! Now get to the phone and hit up Wayne LaPierre for some serious endorsement money. If the NRA wants to make their case against gun control, this is the story they want.

WE HAVE A RIGHT TO DEFEND OURSELVES FROM POOPY AND ICKY TOUCH-TOUCH!

Furthermore, I'm almost positive that Bruni is actually the guy from scrubs:

Have a nice Saturdift.

Miss Independent Goes to Washington

Hundreds of thousands of Americans gathered at the Washington Mall Monday afternoon for a declaration of renewed effort, for a continuation of hope and change, for the promise of a better future. That event, as so many progressives and conservatives alike will forever remember, was Kelly Clarkson's comeback at the 57th presidential inauguration.

Bill loves a good comeback

Clarkson speedily rose to stardom when she became the first white woman to win American Idol. Though what happened next is a poignant tale.

Clarkson's early single "Miss Independent" seemed to break traditional pop party lines, eschewing partisan rhetoric in hopes of reforming an already polarized musical genre. Her energy invigorated the youth of the nation, her charm captivated the elderly, and her image as a pop-music outsider had the whole world watching with anticipation.

But the music faded; during her first term as a pop icon, the mainstream media observed that Clarkson was compromising her unique sound for a more adult-contemporary pop over a cutting-edge bieberesque. Recent singles such as "Stronger" indicate that Clarkson is still trying to hold on to her once commendable idealism, but her message has been lost in the crowd.

Here at American Difter, the search for truth never ceases, and our research contests that Clarkson acquiesced to neither camp, but instead embodied servitude to the major record labels.

Don't expect changes in Camry emission standards anytime soon

But as we saw yesterday at the inauguration, Clarkson appears reinvigorated for a second term in pop's most powerful position. As she belted out "My Country, 'Tis of Thee," viewers across the nation were hoping to see a preview of recharged loyalty to the progressive ideas she championed in the past.

We here at AD predict that these hopes will fall flat. So many times we've seen American Idols fall back into mundanity. Rubben Studdard, Carrie Underwood, Adam Lambert, and even Clay Aiken couldn't escape the realities of actually becoming American Idol finalists, no matter what promises were made in their respective campaigns.

Physical changes are symptomatic of the pressure the office holds

The Editors at American Difter propose a solution, albeit not a silver bullet, to how we elect our American Idols. We must adopt a "one vote per caller" policy. Without such a policy in place, special interests, far more capable of outweighing the individual voter, will flood the phonelines ensuring that their candidate will emerge victorious, with the occasional exception:

Ralph Nader of the Idol World

Special interests, at minimum, should be wholly barred from political activity, for their ubiquitious presence in the American Idol election process only guaruntees that their needs will be met.

The Devil uses product (and yes that's a real website).

The team at American Difter urges your support for serious American Idol election reform. Without it, our nation will be forever trapped in a corporate loophole, headed towards the status quo: recycled pop garbage.

Saturdift Morning Lightning Round II

1.) French film icon Gérard Depardieu has been all over the news recently as he attempts to flee to Russia in order to avoid France's upcoming tax hike of 75% on the country's wealthiest citizens.

I'm sorry but this dude's gonna fit right in

The Guardian further reports that Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov is ready to welcome Depardieu to Chechnya if he so desires.

At first I thought this was a pretty cowardly move on Depardieu's part, but after reading up on Russia's 13% tax rate and Chechnya's booming real estate market, things started to make more sense.

"All units come with an in-ground pool of tears"

Bon voyage, Géry!

2.) Yesterday, the Huffington post, doing what it does best (reporting on what other sources report), reported that Chuck Hagel is indeed going to soon be nominated by President Obama as the next Secretary of Defense.

Courtesy of North Platte, Nebraska 

For those not informed on the Hagel controversy, the most important thing you should know about Senator Chuck is that he has in the past offered some pragmatic perspectives on the defense budget, Israel, and potential talks with Iran and is poised to HE'S A GODDAMNED ANTI-SEMITE AND HOMOPHOBE!!! FOR SHAME HAGEL!!! FOR SHAAAAAME!!!

3.) RedOrbit.com recently reported that Swedish sea explorers have discovered an unidentified object at the bottom of the Baltic Sea. The article observes that the unidentified object closely resembles the Millenium Falcon from Star Wars. 

Furthermore, a member of the expedition team, Peter Lindberg, claims that "the Americans and Japanese 'are much more excited' about the discovery than the local Swedish people."

Advanced imaging technology demonstrates that analysts are sexually repressed

Firstly, of course Americans and Japanese are more excited about this finding. Just how Star Wars offended viewers with the ethnically suggestive Jar Jar Binks and Watto, Swedish people still have not gotten over their presumed portrayal in the original trilogy:

Note: If you want to verify, follow this link to a video of actual Swedish. 

Secondly, DID NO ONE SEE TRANSFORMERS 2??? Clearly the Swedes are trying to conjure up Megatron so they can finally get their hands on Julian Assange.

YOU'RE MINE, ASSANGE!

Oy mate, let's not bay too agressive theyah!

Have a nice Saturdift.

Ratzinger and Sons

In the spirit of Christmas, the data collection team here at American Difter (my right hand) has been researching all things Catholic. We've turned out some extensive findings on Pope Benedict XVI.

Some people claim him to be the anti-Christ

Longshot...

Others call him just an "ok" Pope. 

Closer...

After careful review, background checks, source verifications, difters, etc., there's only one reasonable conclusion:

Pope Benedict XVI is the Original Hipster.

I've had my suspicions in the past concerning the Pope's hipster status, but a few things have recently come to light that confirms the claim without a doubt:



Exhibit A: Tweetin' like his shit don't stink

That's right, Benedict is now on the popular social networking site. According to the Guardian, the event of the Pope's first tweet was quite ceremonious:

. . . the pope, dressed in white, sat on an ornamental throne at the front of the Audience Hall. A large crowd, gathered specially to witness the event, stood in expectant silence. . .

And with his first tweet ever, it was clear that the Pope did not want to disappoint: 

Dear friends, I am pleased to get in touch with you through Twitter. Thank you for your generous response. I bless all of you from my heart.

A couple things here. First off, who starts a Twitter account six years after the site's launch and acts like he's fresher than a new pair of Nikes?

Second, instead of tweeting a picture of the Eucharist he was about to eat (or a mirror shot wearing his Easter robes), he decides to bless us all. So ironic Mumford and Sons could write a shitty song about it. 

Ohh Beny Beny, you look so holy with your Pope hat on yeahhh...

Exhibit B: Throwbacks Latin Style

A little over a month ago, sources indicated that Pope Benedict was attempting to resurrect the dead language by creating a new pontifical academy for Latin studies.

Si vis pacem, para bellum... uhh... enchilada...

I'm sorry but what's more counter-culture than dead languages? If I were in Benedict's shoes I would've gone for something like Urdu or North Korean, but no, the guy goes all the way, ab antiquo, doesn't give a fuck. So retro.



Exhibit C: Giving the LGBT the big NO

Benedict came out recently decrying the increasing support for same-sex marriage in western countries. 

Hey everyone, Jesus loves you! Also, stop being gay!

Being pro same-sex marriage is a progressive idea, so it should naturally be associated with hipsterdom. Herein lies the beauty of Benedict's stance. Everyone knows that to be a hipster is to be pro same-sex marriage. But as a hipster, being vehemently against it is ironic, making it even more hipster than before. 

Brilliant. 

Someone needs to make this guy shift manager at Urban Outfitters.



Exhibit D: Zig Heils just for kicks

I know this is old news, but if we're talking hipster qualifications, then I've got to mention Benedict's stint as an "unwilling" member of the Hitler Youth back in Nazi Germany.

They better have PBR at the rally...

First off, that hat could only have been bought after painstaking hours of thrift store shopping.

Second, who's an unwilling member of the Hitler Youth? 

I mean come on, just come out and say it: your friends wanted you to join, and you were kind of like "well I was gonna chow down this sauerkraut .... but yeah I guess I could throw up some Heil Hitlers later."

If that's not hipster steeze then I'm the king of Brotopia. 

Yoko Ono - nýleg íslensk tilfinning?

You all remember Yoko Ono, John Lennon's lady credited for breaking up the Beatles? Well, a new video of her just surfaced on YouTube doing a breath-taking rendition of Katy Perry's "firework."

In case you're not familiar with Perry's genius, here's the original "firework" music video:

And now Yoko Ono's version of "firework" performed in front of a crowd of about 20:

I have only two explanations for this video. One is that Ono, realizing her waning stardom, is making one last grab for attention in this heartfelt rendition.

The only other possibility is that this is her open audition tape for Björk's forthcoming album "dog shit economy."

"All you need is... niður með kapitalisma!!!"

Please comment if you just googled "dog shit economy."

Have a nice dift.

Saturdift Morning Lightning Round

1). Christina Wilke of the Huffington Post reports that Obama's second inauguration funding committee will permit unfettered corporate donations for the event in January 2013:

In 2008, Obama's inaugural team limited individual contributions to $50,000 per person and barred all corporate contributions. This year, they will impose no limits on either individual or corporate contributions. Contrary to earlier reports that federal law caps inaugural contributions at $250,000, there are no such federal limits, said another PIC spokeswoman.

Wilke adds that the inauguration "will offer no corporate sponsorship opportunities or logo placements in exchange for these donations."

This hand was brought you by Lubriderm® Daily Moisture

I find this last part hard to believe. It's true that President Obama could potentially exchange these corporate donations for future political favors during his second term, but I would not be surprised if you heard the following for his second swear-in:

I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully Google the Office Depot of President of the United State Farm Insurance, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Citigroup of the United States, so help me Goldman Sachs.

2). The Telegraph.uk recently broke a story on contact lenses currently under development in Belgium that will project text messages in front of users' eyes.

The "I didn't see your text" excuse is about to get pile-drived

Three Questions:

1. How will this impact current laws on texting while driving?
2. Can we trust Belgians to put things in our eyes?
3. Will these lenses support current sexting technology?

3). A new trailer has been released for Oscar-winning director Katheryn Bigelow's Zero Dark Thirty. The film, which tells the story of Osama Bin-Laden's assassination, is already being lambasted by critics as a political tool for the Obama administration, and many are in an uproar over the alleged classified documents that Bigelow and her team had access to in the making of the film.

"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" was already taken

Now I could rant on and on about the pervasive media-based glorification of political leaders and the military industrial complex, but here at American Difter I'm committed to asking the tough questions that the mainstream media avoids:


Who is going to play Osama Bin Laden?


...


My money's on one of the following:


a. Willem Dafoe

... a bit too crazy

b. Keanu Reeves

... eh too Messianic 

c. Zach Galifianakis

I think we have a winner

Have a nice Saturdift.

World War Tweet

Al Jazeera reported on November 24th that the evangelical group Christians United for Israel (CUFI) has started an online petition to ban the twitter account of Al Qassam Brigades, Hamas’ military wing. CUFI claims, “when it comes to Israel’s military campaign, there is little that we here in America can do to help. But when it comes to this second conflict – the so-called “twitter war” – there is something important we can do.”

#TerroristSafeHaven

Tears of American patriotism welled in my eyes as I read this righteous declaration.

It’s well known that Hamas is a US-declared terrorist organization, and any website that permits publications of terrorist organizations must act swiftly to prevent the onslaught of propaganda. 

@AlQassamBrigades already has roughly 43,000 followers on Twitter. 43,000. That number should be shocking even to the most under-read on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. 

Yet it's important to understand certain realities. Let’s say that Twitter does decide to eliminate Al Qassam from its website. If this comes to pass, we will only replicate the effects of the War on Terror.

Consider Afghanistan. The Taliban were known to be harboring Al Qaeda within their borders, and in turn, the US invaded Afghanistan to expel Al Qaeda operatives. Victory seemed imminent, and supporters of the War on Terror were ready to hang up their coats, make their beds, and take a long-overdue freedom nap. Yet as Al-Qaeda cells sprang up in Yemen, Somalia, and other locations, our freedom fighters realized that the mission was far from accomplished.

Thus, I pose a question to the CUFI which so earnestly but misguidedly wishes to eradicate Hamas’ Twitter: What is to stop @AlQassamBrigade from wreaking havoc through other social media sites?

The CUFI is sincere in its pursuit of terrorist operatives on the web, so let's forgive its naïveté regarding the Twitter War. History shows us that when one terrorist target is forcefully eliminated, more operatives rise up to take its place. 

Think about it: a direct attack on @AlQassamBrigade would unquestionably spark the emergence of any of the following:

• AlQassam.tumblr.com

• http://www.couchsurfing.org/profile.html?id=99PalestinianRefugees 

• myspace.com/Al_Qassam_Slow_Jams_From_1967/Music

The list goes on.

If we allow this censorship to happen, then history will repeat itself.

But I have a solution.

There is only one way we can successfully diminish Hamas' terrorizing rhetoric from the public debate and simultaneously give them a medium to voice whatever complaints, musings, and random thoughts they seem so eager to propagate:

We must create a Hamas Xanga journal.

If we take on this challenge, perhaps one of the most would-be defining endeavors of the decade, Hamas will immediately feel less oppressed by Western propa media, while leaving the Twitter-verse unharmed by its anti-Israeli lies. Because realistically, no one uses Xanga journal anymore.

Don't tweet away this opportunity for peace.

#HamasXangaJournal