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| Tom Bombadil |
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| Gandalf the White |
I know what you're thinking: How you could possibly even consider voting for a third party candidate when the stakes are so high?
It wasn't easy. I fully understand that my vote will likely be a "protest vote," voicing my disdain of the two major political parties with their blind adherence to militarism, erosion of civil liberties, and perpetuation of the corporate welfare state.
My hesitation disappeared, however, after I sat down for an interview with Gandalf the White and his running mate, Tom Bombadil of the Old Forest atop the tower of Orthanc in the realm of Isenguard (transcript below):
Chris Jas: Gentlemen thank you for joining me today. Many of our readers already know who you are, so why don't we start immediately with the issues. Gandalf, the state of public education in this country is deteriorating. Not only are we asking more of our teachers, but we are seeing a growing disparity of academic opportunities between students of higher and lower socioeconomic standings. In brief, how would you characterize your educational philosophy and the standards to which we should hold our nation's youth?
Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
CJ: Well put, Mithrandir. Indeed it does seem as though our expectations are falling as each subsequent generation enters the classroom. Many leftists argue that instead of budgeting for wars in the Middle East and expanding our drone campaigns in Pakistan, Yemen, and various Al Qaeda-infiltrated African countries, that we should instead be reinvesting in our schools. What is your take on the rampant militarism and violation of human rights for which this administration is responsible?
G: Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement.
CJ: Interesting point. And what of the the corporate welfare state? How do you view the Obama administration's refusal to prosecute any of the major banks or their respective CEO's, even in the wake of the most devastating financial collapse since the Great Depression?
G: One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
CJ: I think I understand your meaning. But let us now turn to the social issues. It has been argued by many progressive pundits that your party is against same-sex marriage and that you yourself are in favor of policies such as "don't ask, don't tell." Could you clarify this ambiguity and state your opinions on homosexuality?
G: Is it secret? Is it safe?
CJ: I'm not sure I understand... was that a rhetorical question?
G: Such questions cannot be answered. You may be sure that it was not for any merit that others do not possess: not for power or wisdom, at any rate. But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and heart and wits as you have.
CJ: I'm still not sure that answers my question, though I can imagine your supporters on the left will be disappointed... [at this point during the interview, Tom Bombadil, seemingly off in another world, gets up from his chair and begins to dance merrily atop the tower]
CJ: Mr. Bombadil, you've been waiting patiently. When I polled our readers, the most prevalent question about you was this: "who is the real Tom Bombadil?" Now that you have the opportunity, could you answer this question which is on the minds of so many Americans?
Tom Bombadil: Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow, bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master: His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.
CJ: Cogent and defining, Mr. Bombadil. It is well documented that you have raised awareness for childhood obesity in this country for several years now. If elected, do you intend to further champion this cause?
TB: Hey! now! Come hoy now! Whither do you wander? Up, down, near or far, here, there or yonder? Sharp-ears, Wise-nose, Swish-tail and Bumpkin, White-socks my little lad, and old Fatty Lumpkin!
[After answering this question, Mr. Bombadil, who is still not seated, sprints down Orthanc's staircase, turns south and begins running fast, tossing up his hat and catching it until he is hidden from view; but for some time his "hey now! hoy now!" comes floating back down the wind]
CJ: Right... um... Gandalf back to you. What are your thoughts on Tom Bombadil as a running mate? Could he truly be expected to govern this country if the worst should happen to you?
G: Even if he could, soon or late the Lord of the Rings would learn of his hiding place and would bend all his power towards him. Could that power be defied by Bombadil alone? I think not. I think that in the end, if all else is conquered, Bombadil will fall. Last as he was First; and then Night will come.
CJ: I wouldn't call that encouraging, yet you touch upon a serious issue that I think plagues many young voters today, voters who feel as though their voices don't count, voters who feel helplessly thrown into a binary system, voters who feel as though there is no longer any hope left for fundamental change in this country. I ask you: what is your message to these voters?
G: It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not.
[At this point in the interview, Gandalf immediately rises from his seat, sprints to the edge of the tower, and leaps into the void, only to be safely caught by Gwaihir, Windlord, greatest of the eagles.]
You have more than two choices this November. A vote of protest may be mocked, but a vote of complacency changes nothing.
[Completely-out-of-context and slightly-manipulated quotes taken from The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien]
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