It's no secret that I'm a fan of metaphors, and in this case there is no exception.
I know what you're thinking: "hey, dipshit, this isn't a metaphor; it's a geographical representation to give Zionist Americans perspective on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict."
They say ignorance is bliss, but in this case I refuse to have the wool pulled over my eyes.
As we all know, Manhattan and its surrounding boroughs have been engaging in a tireless and endless struggle against the rising tide of Hipsterdom. Many extreme leftists argue that Hipsterinians have resided in New York City since its inception, and that Hipsterinans abroad have always considered NYC their cultural center. In fact, Hipsterinians in San Francisco, Chicago, Portland, and countless other American cities claim stake in the struggle of Hipsterdom in NYC as the symbol for their global struggle against the mainstream oppressive forces of "Yuppraeli Imperialist Colonizers."
Though Yuppraelis state that the most recent clashes were initiated by the local Hipsterinian governement (which, notably, the U.S. considers a terrorist organization) many Hipsterinian sympathizers claim that the initial attacks were in fact provoked by a "pinpoint bombing" of an American Apparel in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Immediately following the bombing, Hipsterinians could been seen launching baskets of secondhand fake flowers and Feist records in the direction of the Lower East Side. I contacted an anonymous Hipsterinian military leader for comment:
Though they are disproportionally outmatched, it is clear that Hipsterinians are in this fight until the end.
However, this source's mention of his co-op was an interesting segway in the conversation; some journalists speculate that the current series of Yuppraeli airstrikes were motivated in part by the upcoming elections for the governing board of their co-op. I reached out to an unnamed Yuppraeli official with close ties to current co-op Prime MinisterBenjamin Net. . . uhh. . . Tad Johnson:
One can trace the countless acts of aggression and retaliation throughout the past century, though constantly playing the blame game will get us nowhere. I propose a modest solution.
It is clear that Yuppraelis feel constantly threatened by Hipsterinian passive aggression, and that Hipsterinians feel confined to Williamsburg and the greater Brooklyn borough through intentional Yuppraeli blockades and military presence. In fact, one Hipsterinian compared Williamsburg to "an open-air prison. . . but whatever. . . confinement is like the new cage-free. . . "
A few things need to happen before a lasting truce can be reached.
First, it would be a sign of goodwill if Manhattan opened at least 3 or 4 more American Apparels, preferably in the Lower East Side and Soho (because, come on, who goes uptown?). Secondly, the United States should recognize Hipsterinian co-ops as legitimate governing bodies, and pressure Yuppraeli forces to allow them access to the same locally-grown produce that they so intensely covet.
Finally, it is essential to this peace process that Hipsterinians recognize that Feist isn't a sellout bitch, she's just a Canadian songwriter who made it big and is cashing in, ipod commercials aside.
If the U.S. and international community can come together to help these two factions resolve their differences, there is no doubt that everyone can have access to locally-grown seedless grapes and off-color v-necks, which in turn may ultimately bring peace to the 5 boroughs.
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| Hipster Terrorist or Trendy Freedom Fighter? |
Though Yuppraelis state that the most recent clashes were initiated by the local Hipsterinian governement (which, notably, the U.S. considers a terrorist organization) many Hipsterinian sympathizers claim that the initial attacks were in fact provoked by a "pinpoint bombing" of an American Apparel in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Immediately following the bombing, Hipsterinians could been seen launching baskets of secondhand fake flowers and Feist records in the direction of the Lower East Side. I contacted an anonymous Hipsterinian military leader for comment:
"The secondhand fake flowers were symbolic of our rejection of Westernized consummation patterns and the unending growth paradigm. . . and Feist is just a sellout bitch. . . besides, my co-op doesn't recycle vinyl. . . so. . . whatever. . ."
Though they are disproportionally outmatched, it is clear that Hipsterinians are in this fight until the end.
However, this source's mention of his co-op was an interesting segway in the conversation; some journalists speculate that the current series of Yuppraeli airstrikes were motivated in part by the upcoming elections for the governing board of their co-op. I reached out to an unnamed Yuppraeli official with close ties to current co-op Prime Minister
"With co-op government elections drawing close, it's important that our incumbent co-op Prime Minister show strength against Hipsterinians, proving to his constituants that he will not permit a truce with such passive aggression from the Hipsterinian territories-- also that most of our seedless grapes will be purchased from local sources. . . "
One can trace the countless acts of aggression and retaliation throughout the past century, though constantly playing the blame game will get us nowhere. I propose a modest solution.
It is clear that Yuppraelis feel constantly threatened by Hipsterinian passive aggression, and that Hipsterinians feel confined to Williamsburg and the greater Brooklyn borough through intentional Yuppraeli blockades and military presence. In fact, one Hipsterinian compared Williamsburg to "an open-air prison. . . but whatever. . . confinement is like the new cage-free. . . "
A few things need to happen before a lasting truce can be reached.
First, it would be a sign of goodwill if Manhattan opened at least 3 or 4 more American Apparels, preferably in the Lower East Side and Soho (because, come on, who goes uptown?). Secondly, the United States should recognize Hipsterinian co-ops as legitimate governing bodies, and pressure Yuppraeli forces to allow them access to the same locally-grown produce that they so intensely covet.
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| One piece a symbol of peace? |
Finally, it is essential to this peace process that Hipsterinians recognize that Feist isn't a sellout bitch, she's just a Canadian songwriter who made it big and is cashing in, ipod commercials aside.
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| Hipsterinians would do well to forget this dark period in Feist's career |
If the U.S. and international community can come together to help these two factions resolve their differences, there is no doubt that everyone can have access to locally-grown seedless grapes and off-color v-necks, which in turn may ultimately bring peace to the 5 boroughs.
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