Two Birds with One Drone

Today, the Pentagon spokesnetwork CNN broke an alarming report of an attempted Iranian assault on an unmanned U.S. Air Force drone flying over international waters. The November 1st attack took place when two Iranian Su-25 fighter jets fired shots at the drone as it was conducting surveillance "16 miles off the coast of Iran," according to Pentagon press secretary George Little. 

First off folks, it is essential to analyze the facts of the story. Let's examine Little's report of the drone being "16 miles off the coast . . ." to which he added that "the recognized limit is 12 nautical miles off the coast, and we never entered the 12-nautical mile limit." For my readers unfamiliar with the Persian Gulf region, I've detailed a map showing the 12-nautical mile limit from Iran seawards:

Measurements exacted from space between author's thumb and index finger

What could possibly motivate Iran to attack a U.S. drone that was flying roughly 446.984 Doug Flutie Hail Mary passes off of it's western coast? 

As an amateur journalist who seeks a backstory for every lead, I did some reconnaissance work of my own on the area in question:

If that's not definitive enough, I'm guessing you were a pottery major in college.

Another point left unsaid by this Pentagon report was the significance of timing on the Iranian military's part. As we all know, November 1st is not only the 66th anniversary of when the New York Knicks played against the Toronto Huskies at the Maple Leaf Gardens in the first Basketball Association of America game (the Knicks would win 68–66), but it was the 86th birthday of Betsy Palmer, the American actress known for her appearances as a panelist on I've Got a Secret. 

Betsy Palmer in 1960-- stone-cold fox if I might add

I'VE GOT A SECRET? 


Folks, the stars have aligned, the codes have been broken, the light of knowledge and revelation has disillusioned us to Iran's true purpose: the ethnic cleansing of all U.S. unmanned drones. 

Clearly this genocide against our aerial-robotic compatriots is an affront to our liberty. Yet, as the voice of reason, I must make a humble suggestion based off of months spent as semi-amateur-progressive-internet-based-twenty-something-who-is-too-wiped-out-from-last-night-to-do-extensive-research-yet-thinks-his-voice-actually-counts-on-blogger: we must extend an olive branch out to the Iranians. 

Some might claim that we must back the International Atomic Energy Agency's resumed talks with Iran scheduled for this December; I think that we must recognize the folly in the power of words alone while U.S. drones are innocuously flying in the kind-of-around-but-not-really-that-close-to Iranian airspace. 


I'll explain:

As is common knowledge, a staggering 78.4% of U.S. drones identify themselves as Christian (23.9% being Catholic drones) while only 4.7% of drones would identify themselves as worshipping another religion (0.6 being Muslim drones, and 0.7 being Unitarian drones). 

Can no one else see the historical opportunity before us to bridge peace between these divisive nations? 

Though George Little abstained from comment on the drone-in-question's religious affiliation, it is likely safe to surmise that it was a Christian drone (my money's on Episcopalian). I would extend this premise further by speculating that if it were a Muslim drone flying in the Persian Gulf, the Su-25 fighter jets would not have fired on it. Iran being an Islamic Republic, the act of putting a Muslim drone out in the Persian Gulf might have signaled to the Iranian's: "hey the U.S. isn't so bad, we're just taking pictures brah!"

Furthermore, this would help ease domestic tensions between Christian and Muslim drones: Muslim drones having more opportunities for career advancement, and Christian drones understanding the perspective-shifting value of working together with Muslim drones. 

A concerted effort from the Federal government and the American public to amend this rift will not only make us safer from an Iranian threat; it will quell the rising tide of homegrown drone extremists and help us usher in a new age of drone peace.