Apathy's Back-- ALRIGHT!

Earlier this week in the south of France I came across a "Solidarity with Gaza" rally. I had just missed the "I'd Like to Stay out of It for the Time Being" rally so I figured why not?

The scene was intense; activists on loudspeakers, Palestinian flags waving, gruesome pictures of dead children, etc. The rally was just about to begin its march to the prefecture when I suddenly felt a wave of fear and anxiety hit me.

I couldn't explain it in the moment, but it was as though a dark metaphorical cloud of waning liberty and injustice was slowly encroaching on the crowd, an evil ready to feed on the doubts of those practicing free speech and assembly.


I slowly turned my head, and BEHELD:

Source: Google image search: "Freedom Haters"

The French Young Communist Movement.


My fear transformed into sheer terror as I witnessed this ruthless band of radicals plotting, sneering, texting as they slowly invaded the the protest.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an anti-communist in all respects. The word "communism" alone leaves a bile taste in my mouth, only extinguished by a liter of Coke and a nacho cheese chalupa. Unfortunately, neither of those were readily on hand.

It sickened me to see the Young Communists infiltrate such a purposeful rally, handing out their propaganda, persuading the well-intentioned activists into relinquishing their personal freedoms. The whole time I watched in agony, unable to combat this caustic tide.

When I overcame my initial disgust, I did what any aspiring writer would do: ask questions.

I obviously didn't ask any questions of the Young Communists themselves; I've been well educated on the dangers of the easily transmitted "West Europe Commie Virus." So I rather looked inward than put myself in harm's way. My biggest question of the evening was "why are they here?" Below, I offer some theories.

As we know, this was a rally concerning the most recently ended Israeli-Palestinian clash (just kidding!). Thus conclusions were not difficult to reach.

My first theory was that the Young Communists were attending the rally to protest the disproportionate amount of military power between Gaza and Israel (some numbers here). Their likely solution being to collect all rockets from both Israelis and Palestinians and redistribute them equally, so that all men, women, and children on both sides of the conflict were properly armed.

Another theory was more symbolic; the Young Communists would gather a pool of collective outrage over the events in Gaza and redistribute that outrage equally amongst ardent supporters and apathetic onlookers, thus making everyone in the world slightly, but not really over-interested in the conflict, comparable to a New Kids on the Block reunion tour.

Joey McIntyre seen left, hating life

The Young Communists have already succeeded in this respect. After in-depth research and discussions with friends, family, and colleagues, it's evident that another NKOTB reunion tour would fall flat, even with the power of the Backstreet Boys.

The symbol of worldwide apathy?

Folks, if the combined might planet Earth's greatest boy bands cannot stir the tides of conviction, what hope do we have?

"It's gonna be MAY "

Help us Jobi-wan Timberlakenobi, you're our only hope.


In conclusion, I'll leave you with one more piece of propaganda from the Young Communists' website. If this still leaves you unmotivated to take cause with the world's problems, then the future of mankind will be but a pipe dream.

Translation: "Come join us in Godless enslavement-- WE BELIEVE IN NOTHING!"

Stick to your convictions. It might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie . . .

Dispatches on the Yuppraeli-Hipsterinian Conflict

The Internet is rife with stories of the most recent clashes between Israel and Gaza. While reading up on the current violence, an alarming inforgaphic popped up on my Facebook feed. See for yourself:

It's no secret that I'm a fan of metaphors, and in this case there is no exception.

I know what you're thinking: "hey, dipshit, this isn't a metaphor; it's a geographical representation to give Zionist Americans perspective on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict."

They say ignorance is bliss, but in this case I refuse to have the wool pulled over my eyes.

As we all know, Manhattan and its surrounding boroughs have been engaging in a tireless and endless struggle against the rising tide of Hipsterdom. Many extreme leftists argue that Hipsterinians have resided in New York City since its inception, and that Hipsterinans abroad have always considered NYC their cultural center. In fact, Hipsterinians in San Francisco, Chicago, Portland, and countless other American cities claim stake in the struggle of Hipsterdom in NYC as the symbol for their global struggle against the mainstream oppressive forces of "Yuppraeli Imperialist Colonizers."




Hipster Terrorist or Trendy Freedom Fighter?

Though Yuppraelis state that the most recent clashes were initiated by the local Hipsterinian governement (which, notably, the U.S. considers a terrorist organization) many Hipsterinian sympathizers claim that the initial attacks were in fact provoked by a "pinpoint bombing" of an American Apparel in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Immediately following the bombing, Hipsterinians could been seen launching baskets of secondhand fake flowers and Feist records in the direction of the Lower East Side. I contacted an anonymous Hipsterinian military leader for comment:

"The secondhand fake flowers were symbolic of our rejection of Westernized consummation patterns and the unending growth paradigm. . . and Feist is just a sellout bitch. . . besides, my co-op doesn't recycle vinyl. . . so. . . whatever. . ."

Though they are disproportionally outmatched, it is clear that Hipsterinians are in this fight until the end.

However, this source's mention of his co-op was an interesting segway in the conversation; some journalists speculate that the current series of Yuppraeli airstrikes were motivated in part by the upcoming elections for the governing board of their co-op. I reached out to an unnamed Yuppraeli official with close ties to current co-op Prime Minister Benjamin Net. . . uhh. . . Tad Johnson:

"With co-op government elections drawing close, it's important that our incumbent co-op Prime Minister show strength against Hipsterinians, proving to his constituants that he will not permit a truce with such passive aggression from the Hipsterinian territories-- also that most of our seedless grapes will be purchased from local sources. . . " 

One can trace the countless acts of aggression and retaliation throughout the past century, though constantly playing the blame game will get us nowhere. I propose a modest solution.

It is clear that Yuppraelis feel constantly threatened by Hipsterinian passive aggression, and that Hipsterinians feel confined to Williamsburg and the greater Brooklyn borough through intentional Yuppraeli blockades and military presence. In fact, one Hipsterinian compared Williamsburg to "an open-air prison. . . but whatever. . . confinement is like the new cage-free. . . "

A few things need to happen before a lasting truce can be reached.

First, it would be a sign of goodwill if Manhattan opened at least 3 or 4 more American Apparels, preferably in the Lower East Side and Soho (because, come on, who goes uptown?). Secondly, the United States should recognize Hipsterinian co-ops as legitimate governing bodies, and pressure Yuppraeli forces to allow them access to the same locally-grown produce that they so intensely covet.

One piece a symbol of peace?

Finally, it is essential to this peace process that Hipsterinians recognize that Feist isn't a sellout bitch, she's just a Canadian songwriter who made it big and is cashing in, ipod commercials aside.

Hipsterinians would do well to forget this dark period in Feist's career

If the U.S. and international community can come together to help these two factions resolve their differences, there is no doubt that everyone can have access to locally-grown seedless grapes and off-color v-necks, which in turn may ultimately bring peace to the 5 boroughs.

Two Birds with One Drone

Today, the Pentagon spokesnetwork CNN broke an alarming report of an attempted Iranian assault on an unmanned U.S. Air Force drone flying over international waters. The November 1st attack took place when two Iranian Su-25 fighter jets fired shots at the drone as it was conducting surveillance "16 miles off the coast of Iran," according to Pentagon press secretary George Little. 

First off folks, it is essential to analyze the facts of the story. Let's examine Little's report of the drone being "16 miles off the coast . . ." to which he added that "the recognized limit is 12 nautical miles off the coast, and we never entered the 12-nautical mile limit." For my readers unfamiliar with the Persian Gulf region, I've detailed a map showing the 12-nautical mile limit from Iran seawards:

Measurements exacted from space between author's thumb and index finger

What could possibly motivate Iran to attack a U.S. drone that was flying roughly 446.984 Doug Flutie Hail Mary passes off of it's western coast? 

As an amateur journalist who seeks a backstory for every lead, I did some reconnaissance work of my own on the area in question:

If that's not definitive enough, I'm guessing you were a pottery major in college.

Another point left unsaid by this Pentagon report was the significance of timing on the Iranian military's part. As we all know, November 1st is not only the 66th anniversary of when the New York Knicks played against the Toronto Huskies at the Maple Leaf Gardens in the first Basketball Association of America game (the Knicks would win 68–66), but it was the 86th birthday of Betsy Palmer, the American actress known for her appearances as a panelist on I've Got a Secret. 

Betsy Palmer in 1960-- stone-cold fox if I might add

I'VE GOT A SECRET? 


Folks, the stars have aligned, the codes have been broken, the light of knowledge and revelation has disillusioned us to Iran's true purpose: the ethnic cleansing of all U.S. unmanned drones. 

Clearly this genocide against our aerial-robotic compatriots is an affront to our liberty. Yet, as the voice of reason, I must make a humble suggestion based off of months spent as semi-amateur-progressive-internet-based-twenty-something-who-is-too-wiped-out-from-last-night-to-do-extensive-research-yet-thinks-his-voice-actually-counts-on-blogger: we must extend an olive branch out to the Iranians. 

Some might claim that we must back the International Atomic Energy Agency's resumed talks with Iran scheduled for this December; I think that we must recognize the folly in the power of words alone while U.S. drones are innocuously flying in the kind-of-around-but-not-really-that-close-to Iranian airspace. 


I'll explain:

As is common knowledge, a staggering 78.4% of U.S. drones identify themselves as Christian (23.9% being Catholic drones) while only 4.7% of drones would identify themselves as worshipping another religion (0.6 being Muslim drones, and 0.7 being Unitarian drones). 

Can no one else see the historical opportunity before us to bridge peace between these divisive nations? 

Though George Little abstained from comment on the drone-in-question's religious affiliation, it is likely safe to surmise that it was a Christian drone (my money's on Episcopalian). I would extend this premise further by speculating that if it were a Muslim drone flying in the Persian Gulf, the Su-25 fighter jets would not have fired on it. Iran being an Islamic Republic, the act of putting a Muslim drone out in the Persian Gulf might have signaled to the Iranian's: "hey the U.S. isn't so bad, we're just taking pictures brah!"

Furthermore, this would help ease domestic tensions between Christian and Muslim drones: Muslim drones having more opportunities for career advancement, and Christian drones understanding the perspective-shifting value of working together with Muslim drones. 

A concerted effort from the Federal government and the American public to amend this rift will not only make us safer from an Iranian threat; it will quell the rising tide of homegrown drone extremists and help us usher in a new age of drone peace.