Ratzinger and Sons

In the spirit of Christmas, the data collection team here at American Difter (my right hand) has been researching all things Catholic. We've turned out some extensive findings on Pope Benedict XVI.

Some people claim him to be the anti-Christ

Longshot...

Others call him just an "ok" Pope. 

Closer...

After careful review, background checks, source verifications, difters, etc., there's only one reasonable conclusion:

Pope Benedict XVI is the Original Hipster.

I've had my suspicions in the past concerning the Pope's hipster status, but a few things have recently come to light that confirms the claim without a doubt:



Exhibit A: Tweetin' like his shit don't stink

That's right, Benedict is now on the popular social networking site. According to the Guardian, the event of the Pope's first tweet was quite ceremonious:

. . . the pope, dressed in white, sat on an ornamental throne at the front of the Audience Hall. A large crowd, gathered specially to witness the event, stood in expectant silence. . .

And with his first tweet ever, it was clear that the Pope did not want to disappoint: 

Dear friends, I am pleased to get in touch with you through Twitter. Thank you for your generous response. I bless all of you from my heart.

A couple things here. First off, who starts a Twitter account six years after the site's launch and acts like he's fresher than a new pair of Nikes?

Second, instead of tweeting a picture of the Eucharist he was about to eat (or a mirror shot wearing his Easter robes), he decides to bless us all. So ironic Mumford and Sons could write a shitty song about it. 

Ohh Beny Beny, you look so holy with your Pope hat on yeahhh...

Exhibit B: Throwbacks Latin Style

A little over a month ago, sources indicated that Pope Benedict was attempting to resurrect the dead language by creating a new pontifical academy for Latin studies.

Si vis pacem, para bellum... uhh... enchilada...

I'm sorry but what's more counter-culture than dead languages? If I were in Benedict's shoes I would've gone for something like Urdu or North Korean, but no, the guy goes all the way, ab antiquo, doesn't give a fuck. So retro.



Exhibit C: Giving the LGBT the big NO

Benedict came out recently decrying the increasing support for same-sex marriage in western countries. 

Hey everyone, Jesus loves you! Also, stop being gay!

Being pro same-sex marriage is a progressive idea, so it should naturally be associated with hipsterdom. Herein lies the beauty of Benedict's stance. Everyone knows that to be a hipster is to be pro same-sex marriage. But as a hipster, being vehemently against it is ironic, making it even more hipster than before. 

Brilliant. 

Someone needs to make this guy shift manager at Urban Outfitters.



Exhibit D: Zig Heils just for kicks

I know this is old news, but if we're talking hipster qualifications, then I've got to mention Benedict's stint as an "unwilling" member of the Hitler Youth back in Nazi Germany.

They better have PBR at the rally...

First off, that hat could only have been bought after painstaking hours of thrift store shopping.

Second, who's an unwilling member of the Hitler Youth? 

I mean come on, just come out and say it: your friends wanted you to join, and you were kind of like "well I was gonna chow down this sauerkraut .... but yeah I guess I could throw up some Heil Hitlers later."

If that's not hipster steeze then I'm the king of Brotopia. 

Yoko Ono - nýleg íslensk tilfinning?

You all remember Yoko Ono, John Lennon's lady credited for breaking up the Beatles? Well, a new video of her just surfaced on YouTube doing a breath-taking rendition of Katy Perry's "firework."

In case you're not familiar with Perry's genius, here's the original "firework" music video:

And now Yoko Ono's version of "firework" performed in front of a crowd of about 20:

I have only two explanations for this video. One is that Ono, realizing her waning stardom, is making one last grab for attention in this heartfelt rendition.

The only other possibility is that this is her open audition tape for Björk's forthcoming album "dog shit economy."

"All you need is... niður með kapitalisma!!!"

Please comment if you just googled "dog shit economy."

Have a nice dift.

Saturdift Morning Lightning Round

1). Christina Wilke of the Huffington Post reports that Obama's second inauguration funding committee will permit unfettered corporate donations for the event in January 2013:

In 2008, Obama's inaugural team limited individual contributions to $50,000 per person and barred all corporate contributions. This year, they will impose no limits on either individual or corporate contributions. Contrary to earlier reports that federal law caps inaugural contributions at $250,000, there are no such federal limits, said another PIC spokeswoman.

Wilke adds that the inauguration "will offer no corporate sponsorship opportunities or logo placements in exchange for these donations."

This hand was brought you by Lubriderm® Daily Moisture

I find this last part hard to believe. It's true that President Obama could potentially exchange these corporate donations for future political favors during his second term, but I would not be surprised if you heard the following for his second swear-in:

I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully Google the Office Depot of President of the United State Farm Insurance, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Citigroup of the United States, so help me Goldman Sachs.

2). The Telegraph.uk recently broke a story on contact lenses currently under development in Belgium that will project text messages in front of users' eyes.

The "I didn't see your text" excuse is about to get pile-drived

Three Questions:

1. How will this impact current laws on texting while driving?
2. Can we trust Belgians to put things in our eyes?
3. Will these lenses support current sexting technology?

3). A new trailer has been released for Oscar-winning director Katheryn Bigelow's Zero Dark Thirty. The film, which tells the story of Osama Bin-Laden's assassination, is already being lambasted by critics as a political tool for the Obama administration, and many are in an uproar over the alleged classified documents that Bigelow and her team had access to in the making of the film.

"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" was already taken

Now I could rant on and on about the pervasive media-based glorification of political leaders and the military industrial complex, but here at American Difter I'm committed to asking the tough questions that the mainstream media avoids:


Who is going to play Osama Bin Laden?


...


My money's on one of the following:


a. Willem Dafoe

... a bit too crazy

b. Keanu Reeves

... eh too Messianic 

c. Zach Galifianakis

I think we have a winner

Have a nice Saturdift.

World War Tweet

Al Jazeera reported on November 24th that the evangelical group Christians United for Israel (CUFI) has started an online petition to ban the twitter account of Al Qassam Brigades, Hamas’ military wing. CUFI claims, “when it comes to Israel’s military campaign, there is little that we here in America can do to help. But when it comes to this second conflict – the so-called “twitter war” – there is something important we can do.”

#TerroristSafeHaven

Tears of American patriotism welled in my eyes as I read this righteous declaration.

It’s well known that Hamas is a US-declared terrorist organization, and any website that permits publications of terrorist organizations must act swiftly to prevent the onslaught of propaganda. 

@AlQassamBrigades already has roughly 43,000 followers on Twitter. 43,000. That number should be shocking even to the most under-read on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. 

Yet it's important to understand certain realities. Let’s say that Twitter does decide to eliminate Al Qassam from its website. If this comes to pass, we will only replicate the effects of the War on Terror.

Consider Afghanistan. The Taliban were known to be harboring Al Qaeda within their borders, and in turn, the US invaded Afghanistan to expel Al Qaeda operatives. Victory seemed imminent, and supporters of the War on Terror were ready to hang up their coats, make their beds, and take a long-overdue freedom nap. Yet as Al-Qaeda cells sprang up in Yemen, Somalia, and other locations, our freedom fighters realized that the mission was far from accomplished.

Thus, I pose a question to the CUFI which so earnestly but misguidedly wishes to eradicate Hamas’ Twitter: What is to stop @AlQassamBrigade from wreaking havoc through other social media sites?

The CUFI is sincere in its pursuit of terrorist operatives on the web, so let's forgive its naïveté regarding the Twitter War. History shows us that when one terrorist target is forcefully eliminated, more operatives rise up to take its place. 

Think about it: a direct attack on @AlQassamBrigade would unquestionably spark the emergence of any of the following:

• AlQassam.tumblr.com

• http://www.couchsurfing.org/profile.html?id=99PalestinianRefugees 

• myspace.com/Al_Qassam_Slow_Jams_From_1967/Music

The list goes on.

If we allow this censorship to happen, then history will repeat itself.

But I have a solution.

There is only one way we can successfully diminish Hamas' terrorizing rhetoric from the public debate and simultaneously give them a medium to voice whatever complaints, musings, and random thoughts they seem so eager to propagate:

We must create a Hamas Xanga journal.

If we take on this challenge, perhaps one of the most would-be defining endeavors of the decade, Hamas will immediately feel less oppressed by Western propa media, while leaving the Twitter-verse unharmed by its anti-Israeli lies. Because realistically, no one uses Xanga journal anymore.

Don't tweet away this opportunity for peace.

#HamasXangaJournal

Apathy's Back-- ALRIGHT!

Earlier this week in the south of France I came across a "Solidarity with Gaza" rally. I had just missed the "I'd Like to Stay out of It for the Time Being" rally so I figured why not?

The scene was intense; activists on loudspeakers, Palestinian flags waving, gruesome pictures of dead children, etc. The rally was just about to begin its march to the prefecture when I suddenly felt a wave of fear and anxiety hit me.

I couldn't explain it in the moment, but it was as though a dark metaphorical cloud of waning liberty and injustice was slowly encroaching on the crowd, an evil ready to feed on the doubts of those practicing free speech and assembly.


I slowly turned my head, and BEHELD:

Source: Google image search: "Freedom Haters"

The French Young Communist Movement.


My fear transformed into sheer terror as I witnessed this ruthless band of radicals plotting, sneering, texting as they slowly invaded the the protest.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an anti-communist in all respects. The word "communism" alone leaves a bile taste in my mouth, only extinguished by a liter of Coke and a nacho cheese chalupa. Unfortunately, neither of those were readily on hand.

It sickened me to see the Young Communists infiltrate such a purposeful rally, handing out their propaganda, persuading the well-intentioned activists into relinquishing their personal freedoms. The whole time I watched in agony, unable to combat this caustic tide.

When I overcame my initial disgust, I did what any aspiring writer would do: ask questions.

I obviously didn't ask any questions of the Young Communists themselves; I've been well educated on the dangers of the easily transmitted "West Europe Commie Virus." So I rather looked inward than put myself in harm's way. My biggest question of the evening was "why are they here?" Below, I offer some theories.

As we know, this was a rally concerning the most recently ended Israeli-Palestinian clash (just kidding!). Thus conclusions were not difficult to reach.

My first theory was that the Young Communists were attending the rally to protest the disproportionate amount of military power between Gaza and Israel (some numbers here). Their likely solution being to collect all rockets from both Israelis and Palestinians and redistribute them equally, so that all men, women, and children on both sides of the conflict were properly armed.

Another theory was more symbolic; the Young Communists would gather a pool of collective outrage over the events in Gaza and redistribute that outrage equally amongst ardent supporters and apathetic onlookers, thus making everyone in the world slightly, but not really over-interested in the conflict, comparable to a New Kids on the Block reunion tour.

Joey McIntyre seen left, hating life

The Young Communists have already succeeded in this respect. After in-depth research and discussions with friends, family, and colleagues, it's evident that another NKOTB reunion tour would fall flat, even with the power of the Backstreet Boys.

The symbol of worldwide apathy?

Folks, if the combined might planet Earth's greatest boy bands cannot stir the tides of conviction, what hope do we have?

"It's gonna be MAY "

Help us Jobi-wan Timberlakenobi, you're our only hope.


In conclusion, I'll leave you with one more piece of propaganda from the Young Communists' website. If this still leaves you unmotivated to take cause with the world's problems, then the future of mankind will be but a pipe dream.

Translation: "Come join us in Godless enslavement-- WE BELIEVE IN NOTHING!"

Stick to your convictions. It might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie . . .

Dispatches on the Yuppraeli-Hipsterinian Conflict

The Internet is rife with stories of the most recent clashes between Israel and Gaza. While reading up on the current violence, an alarming inforgaphic popped up on my Facebook feed. See for yourself:

It's no secret that I'm a fan of metaphors, and in this case there is no exception.

I know what you're thinking: "hey, dipshit, this isn't a metaphor; it's a geographical representation to give Zionist Americans perspective on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict."

They say ignorance is bliss, but in this case I refuse to have the wool pulled over my eyes.

As we all know, Manhattan and its surrounding boroughs have been engaging in a tireless and endless struggle against the rising tide of Hipsterdom. Many extreme leftists argue that Hipsterinians have resided in New York City since its inception, and that Hipsterinans abroad have always considered NYC their cultural center. In fact, Hipsterinians in San Francisco, Chicago, Portland, and countless other American cities claim stake in the struggle of Hipsterdom in NYC as the symbol for their global struggle against the mainstream oppressive forces of "Yuppraeli Imperialist Colonizers."




Hipster Terrorist or Trendy Freedom Fighter?

Though Yuppraelis state that the most recent clashes were initiated by the local Hipsterinian governement (which, notably, the U.S. considers a terrorist organization) many Hipsterinian sympathizers claim that the initial attacks were in fact provoked by a "pinpoint bombing" of an American Apparel in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Immediately following the bombing, Hipsterinians could been seen launching baskets of secondhand fake flowers and Feist records in the direction of the Lower East Side. I contacted an anonymous Hipsterinian military leader for comment:

"The secondhand fake flowers were symbolic of our rejection of Westernized consummation patterns and the unending growth paradigm. . . and Feist is just a sellout bitch. . . besides, my co-op doesn't recycle vinyl. . . so. . . whatever. . ."

Though they are disproportionally outmatched, it is clear that Hipsterinians are in this fight until the end.

However, this source's mention of his co-op was an interesting segway in the conversation; some journalists speculate that the current series of Yuppraeli airstrikes were motivated in part by the upcoming elections for the governing board of their co-op. I reached out to an unnamed Yuppraeli official with close ties to current co-op Prime Minister Benjamin Net. . . uhh. . . Tad Johnson:

"With co-op government elections drawing close, it's important that our incumbent co-op Prime Minister show strength against Hipsterinians, proving to his constituants that he will not permit a truce with such passive aggression from the Hipsterinian territories-- also that most of our seedless grapes will be purchased from local sources. . . " 

One can trace the countless acts of aggression and retaliation throughout the past century, though constantly playing the blame game will get us nowhere. I propose a modest solution.

It is clear that Yuppraelis feel constantly threatened by Hipsterinian passive aggression, and that Hipsterinians feel confined to Williamsburg and the greater Brooklyn borough through intentional Yuppraeli blockades and military presence. In fact, one Hipsterinian compared Williamsburg to "an open-air prison. . . but whatever. . . confinement is like the new cage-free. . . "

A few things need to happen before a lasting truce can be reached.

First, it would be a sign of goodwill if Manhattan opened at least 3 or 4 more American Apparels, preferably in the Lower East Side and Soho (because, come on, who goes uptown?). Secondly, the United States should recognize Hipsterinian co-ops as legitimate governing bodies, and pressure Yuppraeli forces to allow them access to the same locally-grown produce that they so intensely covet.

One piece a symbol of peace?

Finally, it is essential to this peace process that Hipsterinians recognize that Feist isn't a sellout bitch, she's just a Canadian songwriter who made it big and is cashing in, ipod commercials aside.

Hipsterinians would do well to forget this dark period in Feist's career

If the U.S. and international community can come together to help these two factions resolve their differences, there is no doubt that everyone can have access to locally-grown seedless grapes and off-color v-necks, which in turn may ultimately bring peace to the 5 boroughs.

Two Birds with One Drone

Today, the Pentagon spokesnetwork CNN broke an alarming report of an attempted Iranian assault on an unmanned U.S. Air Force drone flying over international waters. The November 1st attack took place when two Iranian Su-25 fighter jets fired shots at the drone as it was conducting surveillance "16 miles off the coast of Iran," according to Pentagon press secretary George Little. 

First off folks, it is essential to analyze the facts of the story. Let's examine Little's report of the drone being "16 miles off the coast . . ." to which he added that "the recognized limit is 12 nautical miles off the coast, and we never entered the 12-nautical mile limit." For my readers unfamiliar with the Persian Gulf region, I've detailed a map showing the 12-nautical mile limit from Iran seawards:

Measurements exacted from space between author's thumb and index finger

What could possibly motivate Iran to attack a U.S. drone that was flying roughly 446.984 Doug Flutie Hail Mary passes off of it's western coast? 

As an amateur journalist who seeks a backstory for every lead, I did some reconnaissance work of my own on the area in question:

If that's not definitive enough, I'm guessing you were a pottery major in college.

Another point left unsaid by this Pentagon report was the significance of timing on the Iranian military's part. As we all know, November 1st is not only the 66th anniversary of when the New York Knicks played against the Toronto Huskies at the Maple Leaf Gardens in the first Basketball Association of America game (the Knicks would win 68–66), but it was the 86th birthday of Betsy Palmer, the American actress known for her appearances as a panelist on I've Got a Secret. 

Betsy Palmer in 1960-- stone-cold fox if I might add

I'VE GOT A SECRET? 


Folks, the stars have aligned, the codes have been broken, the light of knowledge and revelation has disillusioned us to Iran's true purpose: the ethnic cleansing of all U.S. unmanned drones. 

Clearly this genocide against our aerial-robotic compatriots is an affront to our liberty. Yet, as the voice of reason, I must make a humble suggestion based off of months spent as semi-amateur-progressive-internet-based-twenty-something-who-is-too-wiped-out-from-last-night-to-do-extensive-research-yet-thinks-his-voice-actually-counts-on-blogger: we must extend an olive branch out to the Iranians. 

Some might claim that we must back the International Atomic Energy Agency's resumed talks with Iran scheduled for this December; I think that we must recognize the folly in the power of words alone while U.S. drones are innocuously flying in the kind-of-around-but-not-really-that-close-to Iranian airspace. 


I'll explain:

As is common knowledge, a staggering 78.4% of U.S. drones identify themselves as Christian (23.9% being Catholic drones) while only 4.7% of drones would identify themselves as worshipping another religion (0.6 being Muslim drones, and 0.7 being Unitarian drones). 

Can no one else see the historical opportunity before us to bridge peace between these divisive nations? 

Though George Little abstained from comment on the drone-in-question's religious affiliation, it is likely safe to surmise that it was a Christian drone (my money's on Episcopalian). I would extend this premise further by speculating that if it were a Muslim drone flying in the Persian Gulf, the Su-25 fighter jets would not have fired on it. Iran being an Islamic Republic, the act of putting a Muslim drone out in the Persian Gulf might have signaled to the Iranian's: "hey the U.S. isn't so bad, we're just taking pictures brah!"

Furthermore, this would help ease domestic tensions between Christian and Muslim drones: Muslim drones having more opportunities for career advancement, and Christian drones understanding the perspective-shifting value of working together with Muslim drones. 

A concerted effort from the Federal government and the American public to amend this rift will not only make us safer from an Iranian threat; it will quell the rising tide of homegrown drone extremists and help us usher in a new age of drone peace.

Memory Lane v. Memory Hole

Recently I came across something I'd written the night of the election in 2008:

Obama accepted the victory with grace, and he delivered a fantastic acceptance speech.  My favorite part of his speech was his acknowledgement of the lack of honesty in Washington. I'm hoping he can change that. That's the one thing that's affected me the most these past eight years: unapologetic dishonesty. It's damaging to entrust a leader to lead and watch him become absorbed in his own bubble where he unrepentantly bullshits the world. . . We'll see what this senator can actually do; he is very inexperienced, but he has good ideas. With a Democratic majority in both the House and Senate, he has the opportunity to get a lot done. I've got my fingers crossed.

What a tool.


I wish I had a time machine so I could go back four years and slap the taste out of that kid's mouth.

I won't say much more on that today, but I'll leave you with two things.

First I'd like to remind my readers of the outrage on the left against President Bush that was sparked by his illegal wiretapping program back in 2005.

I'd like to then direct you to this recent article written by Glenn Greenwald of The Guardian on the state of current information collection under President Obama (you have to admit, disposition matrix sounds pretty badass).

Though I find both major candidates repugnant, at this point I'd actually prefer Romney winning so that the Left will wake up and remember that scrutiny against injustice doesn't take a timeout when the drapes are blue.

Interweb Regurgitation I

Though my intention in writing American Difter is to post as much original material as possible, sometimes you just need to take a big swig of the Internet and chunder everywhere.

I've tried countless times to explain to many of my Obamabotic acquaintances the reasons why I won't be voting Democrat this year, and they are numerous. I defer to this article which, much more eloquently than I could, explains my qualms with the President at least on civil liberties. 

Even if you're dead set on voting for Barry this November, which I respect as your right, I dare you to read this article and continue calling me crazy. 

Have a nice Sunday!

The harmful effects of cigarette smoking warning labels

Cigarette smoking is terrible for your health.

Duh.

Yet as a freedom-loving American living abroad, I've been shocked by the precautionary graphic images that many tobacco companies are legally required to place on the fronts of their European-sold cigarette packs.

Is raising awareness for smoking-related health risks meritable?

Yes.

Can we be certain that the right message is being communicated to our youth about these risks?

No.


Exhibit A:

Smoking is highly addictive, don't start

Ok we get it-- if you start smoking you'll become addicted. Let's take another look at that image:

A SYRINGE? You're trying to get people to stop smoking with an image of a GODDAMNED SYRINGE?


Guess what? If I buy a pack of cigarettes that has a picture of a syringe telling me I'll get hooked, I'm NOT thinking about getting addicted to cigarettes. What I AM thinking is: shit, at least I'm NOT giving bj's in a back alley so I can shoot smack. 






Exhibit B:

Smoking can damage the sperm and reduce fertility

Ok, I've got a couple issues with this one, but here's my number one: let's say I'm 16-year-old François going to the store to buy a pack of cigs. I'm not about to look down at this picture and think mon dieu, my future offspring might be in jeopardy. I'm going to think Hell yeah! I'm not wearin a raincoat tonight!!! 

Completely ineffective. You might as well write "Cigarettes: the coolest form of contraception since pulling out."

Note: although wordreference.com says differently, I'm like 93% sure that spermatozoïdes is not a real word.





One more thing:

To quit smoking: [website] or call [#] .15 cents/min

Now let me ask you, who on God's green earth is going to pay 15 cents a minute to have some guy on the phone tell them to get off their ass, walk down to the pharmacy, and buy a pack of Nicorette? It's like the anti-smoking lobby is saying "yeah, we know we're half-assing it."

Unreal.


If I want to quit cigarettes I'll give $500 to my best friend and tell him to donate it to the Westboro Baptist Church if I ever light up again.

Terror on the high seas

One of the most disturbing reports I've read this week comes off the coast of Gaza, where a small ship of international terrorists was apprehended by Israeli authorities before delivering instruments of war to Palestinians. 

Terrorists.

I'm no expert on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, but folks, it's times like these when I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that it's not only the United States of America fighting the War on Terror.

Mikael Löfgren, the media coordinator for the ship, Estelle, began lying through his teeth on the Al-Jazeera news network, claiming that the cargo consisted of:

 "... footballs and cement and musical instruments and children's books..."

he added:

"and we have visited like 20 ports around Europe. And in every port we have been ... very open to the public and to the media  and to the authorities to come and inspect our cargo."

Ok, here's my first issue: 

When Löfgren says "footballs," he is clearly NOT referring to the conical pigskins you toss around in the backyard. Grounds for suspicion? 

Yes.


Second issue:

 Löfgren claims that the Estelle had visited roughly 20 European ports before attempting to reach Gaza, all of which were allowed to inspect the cargo.

20 European ports.

20. 

Folks, this is the most disturbing fact of the entire story. Not only did this terrorist plot come so close to fruition, but the ENTIRE EUROPEAN UNION aided and abetted it!

I'm reminded of my favorite quote on terrorism:

"Our war on terror begins with Al Qaeda, but it does not end there. It will not end until every terrorist group of global reach has been found, stopped, and defeated."                                                                                                                

- George W. Bush

If only President Bush knew the clairvoyance with which he spoke over a decade ago.

If anyone needs to contact me, I'll be seeking asylum at the American consulate in Paris.

Note: One of the terrorists in question was in fact an Israeli citizen. Read his declaration of war here. 

Praying for a November miracle

After careful consideration and months of internal conflict, I have finally come to a decision for this year's presidential election:

Tom Bombadil

Gandalf the White

I know what you're thinking: How you could possibly even consider voting for a third party candidate when the stakes are so high?

It wasn't easy. I fully understand that my vote will likely be a "protest vote," voicing my disdain of the two major political parties with their blind adherence to militarism, erosion of civil liberties, and perpetuation of the corporate welfare state.

My hesitation disappeared, however, after I sat down for an interview with Gandalf the White and his running mate, Tom Bombadil of the Old Forest atop the tower of Orthanc in the realm of Isenguard (transcript below):



Chris Jas: Gentlemen thank you for joining me today. Many of our readers already know who you are, so why don't we start immediately with the issues. Gandalf, the state of public education in this country is deteriorating. Not only are we asking more of our teachers, but we are seeing a growing disparity of academic opportunities between students of higher and lower socioeconomic standings. In brief, how would you characterize your educational philosophy and the standards to which we should hold our nation's youth?

Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

CJ: Well put, Mithrandir. Indeed it does seem as though our expectations are falling as each subsequent generation enters the classroom. Many leftists argue that instead of budgeting for wars in the Middle East and expanding our drone campaigns in Pakistan, Yemen, and various Al Qaeda-infiltrated African countries, that we should instead be reinvesting in our schools. What is your take on the rampant militarism and violation of human rights for which this administration is responsible?

G: Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement.

CJ: Interesting point. And what of the the corporate welfare state? How do you view the Obama administration's refusal to prosecute any of the major banks or their respective CEO's, even in the wake of the most devastating financial collapse since the Great Depression?

G: One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

CJ: I think I understand your meaning. But let us now turn to the social issues. It has been argued by many progressive pundits that your party is against same-sex marriage and that you yourself are in favor of policies such as "don't ask, don't tell." Could you clarify this ambiguity and state your opinions on homosexuality?

G: Is it secret? Is it safe?

CJ: I'm not sure I understand... was that a rhetorical question?

G: Such questions cannot be answered. You may be sure that it was not for any merit that others do not possess: not for power or wisdom, at any rate. But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and heart and wits as you have.

CJ: I'm still not sure that answers my question, though I can imagine your supporters on the left will be disappointed... [at this point during the interview, Tom Bombadil, seemingly off in another world, gets up from his chair and begins to dance merrily atop the tower]

CJ: Mr. Bombadil, you've been waiting patiently. When I polled our readers, the most prevalent question about you was this: "who is the real Tom Bombadil?" Now that you have the opportunity, could you answer this question which is on the minds of so many Americans?

Tom Bombadil: Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow, bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master: His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.

CJ: Cogent and defining, Mr. Bombadil. It is well documented that you have raised awareness for childhood obesity in this country for several years now. If elected, do you intend to further champion this cause?

TB: Hey! now! Come hoy now! Whither do you wander? Up, down, near or far, here, there or yonder? Sharp-ears, Wise-nose, Swish-tail and Bumpkin, White-socks my little lad, and old Fatty Lumpkin!

 [After answering this question, Mr. Bombadil, who is still not seated, sprints down Orthanc's staircase, turns south and begins running fast, tossing up his hat and catching it until he is hidden from view; but for some time his "hey now! hoy now!" comes floating back down the wind]

CJ: Right... um... Gandalf back to you. What are your thoughts on Tom Bombadil as a running mate? Could he truly be expected to govern this country if the worst should happen to you?

G: Even if he could, soon or late the Lord of the Rings would learn of his hiding place and would bend all his power towards him. Could that power be defied by Bombadil alone? I think not. I think that in the end, if all else is conquered, Bombadil will fall. Last as he was First; and then Night will come.

CJ: I wouldn't call that encouraging, yet you touch upon a serious issue that I think plagues many young voters today, voters who feel as though their voices don't count, voters who feel helplessly thrown into a binary system, voters who feel as though there is no longer any hope left for fundamental change in this country. I ask you: what is your message to these voters?

G: It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not.

[At this point in the interview, Gandalf immediately rises from his seat, sprints to the edge of the tower, and leaps into the void, only to be safely caught by Gwaihir, Windlord, greatest of the eagles.]



You have more than two choices this November. A vote of protest may be mocked, but a vote of complacency changes nothing.



[Completely-out-of-context and slightly-manipulated quotes taken from The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien]

On my description

I am fully aware that it is grammatically correct to say: "... for the fewer than twenty people..." and grammatically incorrect to say:  "... for the less than twenty people..."

The latter sounds better. Sue me.